Scratch Of Thoughts

Week 2 - Muffin Top Challenge ( My Confession )

2011-11-29T03:45:00.000-08:00

As I'm entering the week two, the challenge is increasing. Now, I'm having PMS and pretty busy with work. From putting on class displays, practicing for school's International Arts Evening and getting all my students ready to perform ( they are really good ).

Okay, so today, I felt really really hungry and I could use a little bit of sugar rush, I took some of potato crisps ( seriously divine !! ). My hunger was satisfied with the taste and was a good energy boost.

However....there is one thing I really miss from my muffin top challenge and at this stage I'm not allowing myself to drink this. It's my favorite coffee. Whole variant of Nescafe coffee that come in the box. From Nescafe French Vanilla, Caramelicious and Original. I miss them sooooo...much...when I'm progressing enough I'll drink like mad probably. I don't mind cutting my carbs but not having my coffee is killing me.

Anyway, not my whole diet ruined, I had grilled chicken salad, avocado, and kiwifruit for lunch. I hope I'm still alright ( finger crossed ).

Blabbing After A Long Time

2011-11-27T03:36:00.001-08:00

My last post was about my trip to Singapore and when I visited Singapore again in June, I didn't even have time to update the trip. It's always the same excuse not to update my blog. I'm busy..well it's true ( justifying myself ) , can't find time to sit in front of computer and write something, when I had time to write, my pieces ended up as drafts, when I want to update it, I feel like it's not fit anymore.

Well, how am I doing? I'm doing fine, I love my new place. I have good friends in gym and at work. I enjoy the morning breakfast club in the staff room with my friends. Love the ambiance that always full of laughter, chit chat and jokes. It's my favorite time of my work. Loving my students for sure, they are cute as ever. I'm involved in many things, school excursions ( thank God all of them went so well ), PYP assembly and the upcoming is International Arts Evening where I'm the choreographer for local staff dance performance.

The sad news is, my favorite instructor,the person who taught me how to dance is leaving Jakarta next week. I miss him already. And for sure, my dancing time is decreased. There are other classes, but there's no dance class like his.

I'm learning again about photoshop, sharpening the skill, practice and practice. This motivate me when I saw print ad that says " Train like there's no finish line" . It sounds daunting and tiring but I guess in life you don't give in until your last breath.

Tough work, long journey but I know I can make it.

Singappore Day 2

2011-04-06T06:45:00.000-07:00

Alright, second day in Singapore! We started early, we went to Bugis first. I always like Bugis street and its area. The stuffs there are just cheap. I found toys for my nephew, cool stickers ( 2SGD each ) for my tutorial student.

So, we split up for while because we wanted to different ways and different interest. On the left here, is like a piazza at Bencoleen Street ( if I'm not mistaken ). Very attractive for me, lots of hawker food, knick knacks and very Asian*enough with Orchard Road*

Interesting asian style ice cream in the bun, and only cost 1SGD. Very nice in unpredictable weather. BTW, the weather changes in Singapore is same as in Jakarta.

Around that Bencoleen street, I found this rare delicacy, Cuttlefish Kan Kong, only cost 3SGD. The taste? Weird but delicious! I've never tasted this food.

After 3 hours of getting around, Bugis and Bencoleen street then Orchard Road, then we are off to...IKEA!! It's not Singapore if not going to Ikea. I don't know how many hours I spent in IKEA. I was soo busy taking pictures to my sisters, making sure these are the things they want. Thank you to the technology, making our life simpler.

My elder sister is giving birth this June, and so she made a long list what to buy in IKEA. The baby stuffs are cute!!! For myself, I got a new lunchbox, bed quilt, pillow, bed sheet...and...what else? *Can't remember what I bought*

I take the benefit and the pleasure walking in Singapore. Unlike Jakarta where walking is not a pleasant experience. We walked hours and hours in Singapore, my legs barely moved. Well, it is wise to bring pair of sneakers, but I don't have sneakers and I don't want to bring my Nike with me. So, ended up wearing flat shoes.

Then I found these , Scholl products, cost 4-5SGD, not bad ya? Put the patches on and...voila..I'm back hitting the Singapore street again!

Singapore Day 1

2011-04-04T08:42:00.000-07:00

Hellooww..I'm writing from Singapore now,I was ready for bed but my mind is too excited to sleep. I'm traveling with my friend Diane ( she's Australian and we were colleague ). We never thought we would travel this far. Well anyway, thank God we have the same school holidays. This is the first day, and there are a lot story to share!

Alright, our flight from Jakarta was delayed for 15 minutes,it was smooth take off and flight, until finally the pilot said prepared for landing. We felt that the plane slowly going down, then it flew up again! I was..like what happened? We hit clouds and caused pretty rough turbulence. Our guess was must be the weather, and of course we were right ( the pilot finally told us soon as the plane touched the ground ). So, we arrived Singapore 1 hour behind the scheduled time! Ok..so that was the flight. But the story it's not about that.

We arrived at Changi, passed the immigration, then we tried to look for cheap shuttle bus as said in internet. We were going around the circles for nothing. We asked some people, but they can't speak english, and one has speech difficulty. Our trip is finally getting better. We found the shuttle bus, cost only $9 and takes you right to your hotel. We've made hotel reservation online, we gambled how the hotel would be. Ok, the room is very small! but the great thing is FREE WI FI!! they also have converter ( save my netbook and blackberry's life ). We were tying to get that converter at City Hall and Bugis Junction but couldn't find it. Our brain seemed not connected with Singapore one.

Here's something funny ( or little bit frightening ), after freshened up, we went to City Hall and walked to Bugis from there. As we descended from MRT, my card didn't work. The gate didn't open. I was panicking! And suddenly the evil minx came across my mind. I thought, I could pass the gate when somebody tapping his/her card. I swiftly passed the gate, and since the gate is very close with MRT staffs, theres one Indian staff called out angrily " That's an offense lady!" To be really honest my heart stopped. I thought I'd go to jail! ( I don't want to give my 500SGD to him, it supposed to be for shopping ).You know how strict Singaporeans are. Oh Thank God, the other guy was nicer and let me do my card again. So, I got out with relief straight to Raffles City *whew*.

We had nice walk to Bugis Junction, bought nice scarves and sling bag. I haven't found the shoes that I want, but I can look for them tomorrow. Finished our shopping in Bugis, we headed to hotel. We challenged ourselves to walk from Novena station to hotel. The hotel staff told me to take bus instead. We did take bus on the way to Novena station, but on the way back no. We are gym babes! Walking is not an issue for us! Well turn out took 30mins walking from Novena station to hotel. Ok, we'd so slim by the time we are in Jakarta!

Didn't take many pictures on the first day, just these 2 pictures below.

Marina Bay Sands and Singapore Flyer, view from the shuttle bus

This is heaven for foodie like me! Look all those food! It's just 5 minutes walk from our hotel

Well, that;s it the story for day 1. It''s starting good. Hotel turn out to be good,free wi fi, friendly and helpful staffs, nice hot water. We got good bargain in the first day, And..20% discount for Universal Studio's tickets!!! Yippeeee

Helloooowww April !

2011-04-01T16:40:00.000-07:00

Well how time flies when you are having fun. It's the second day of April already. I'm still in holiday *yippeee* and just 2 days away from trip to Singapore * can't wait*. I just finished my tutorial this week *wheeww*, now it's time to make lists of what to buy, what to do and where to go in Singapore. I love this kind of activity!

As for today ( which is weekend ) and still on holiday, just want to read a book, chilling at home, maybe doing some errands in the afternoon. Basically away from hustle and bustle! Ooohh..I forgot packing! I like going places but never like packing. I just put everything in the suitcase * that I can do later*

For The Love of Dancing

2011-03-27T02:09:00.000-07:00

Everyone knows I love dancing. I can express myself through dancing, I can let out my sorrow through dancing. I love the new things in dancing, I love learning it. I'm not a professional dancer but I live with dancing.

So for the love of dancing, I'm taking extra time learning new styles at this dance community, Metro Soul Dance. The founder..the only guy in the picture, Tommy. He's also the instructor at Celebrity Fitness. He's good at street hip hop and LA style. Love him to death for his great moves. So here we are, in order supporting his dance community and for my love in dancing, last Thursday before Tommy's class, we took some snapshots. The quality may be not good, because only through mobile phone.

Mega, Tommy and me posing before class

Street hip hop enough?

Proud to be Metro Soul Dance Crew ^_^

Here we are with our dearest Lita ( don't judge her by her looks, she's a funk maestro ).

So yeah, I always excited when it comes to dancing. I'd travel all the way to western part of Jakarta just for dancing ( because different instructor different style ). I don't mind dancing for hours and hours. I just LOVE dancing!

Learning Photoshop

2011-03-18T04:05:00.000-07:00

You know..I never interested to learn Photoshop, I always lean on my sister to make any designs that I need for my blog. But today, I discovered the excitement of learning Photoshop. And..peeps..please give big clap to Ms. Alia Aswinanda *clap* *clap* ..My first design using Photoshop it's the header of this blog.

If before I have no idea what to do during my 5 weeks summer holiday, now I know!! Beside giving private tutorial, I'm going to learn more applying my Photoshop knowledge.

Oh BTW, I haven't mentioned the reason why I suddenly so excited about Photoshop. It's the because the YearBook thingy. Third week of my job in new school, I'm assigned to do YearBook for my class at least. At first..I was like...*what* I have no idea how to use Photoshop, was thinking to pay my sister instead. But heyy...I'm no quitter! So I just Googled..and Googled, teach myself learning Photoshop.

Book Review : Dan Brown Deception Point

2011-03-17T00:30:00.000-07:00

This will be my first post about reviewing a book that I just finished reading, which is Deception Point. For those who doesn't know the author is Dan Brown.

I must put two thumbs up for his novel. I couldn't put it down until I finish reading it. He's such a great writer, he seems to know everything. This book is much to politics and scientific, very much different than his previous books that I read; Da Vinci Code and Demons and Angels.

Anyway, one of the great things about working in school ( especially in an international school ) is I can borrow any types of books from the library. Gosh...I miss reading books so much. And I've got two more books waiting to be read.

Today's Another Post

2011-02-16T17:33:00.000-08:00

*I think* About three weeks ago, we went to the grand opening of the new gym branch at Gandaria City ( another shopping center to be visited ), and of course we had great time there.

There were dance competition, dance performances by the instructors ( love them soo mucccchhh ), and performances by a local artist ( not really into it ).

--- one of the dance performances by the instructors ( very blur..well it's hard to take pics when they are moving all the time )

Well, here we are...nice decoration celebrating the Chinese New Year.
I'm really happy to be with good friends and treasure every moment with them.

Heyyyaaaa...It's Been A While

2011-02-16T17:22:00.000-08:00

Whoooaaaaa....I haven't been writing anything for ages! And the typical excuse is...BUSY!! Yeah, working everyday makes my body and brain tired. I had bad flu for while, my students' examination is getting nearer.

Another thing happened is, I'm moving to a school ( again ). Yes, my new job in English Institution didn't last long. I have proposed my resignation. To be really honest, I missed my students in school. When there was opening in an International School, I just applied and I got accepted.

The funny thing is, I'll be surrounded with Brits again. My teaching team is a British. Well, I guess I'm over hating and avoiding the Brits.

I'm looking forward to be working in my school...agaiiiinnnn!!!!!

Writing About Food

2011-01-11T22:05:00.000-08:00

Eating has been my one of many things I love to do. Today, I'm just going to write about food. I went to this newly opened cute restaurant, called TenTen. At first, I thought it serves sushi as well.

However, with the cute interior, I won't mind with the lack of menu varieties. So I ordered, all veggies tempura ( to justify for eating deep fried food ) and iced green tea. Really enjoyable lunch I had. I'm a big fan of Japanese food ( well..I'm a big fan of all kind of food ). And, after I had my tempura and miso soup...next stop would be Sushi Tei!! I miss their sashimi salad, jumbo yakitori and dragon roll. Oh..my I'm hungry again...

Another thought for today : I think I'm in love..........

First Random Thoughts in 2011

2011-01-06T23:18:00.000-08:00

Helloo...Holaaa..As I wrote in my previous post, my new started very early,so I didn't put anything special on the first day of 2011. However, it was a great start of in year 2011. Special dance class at Central Park for 2 amazing hours!! Only happened at Celebrity Fitness Central Park.

So this is almost the second week of January, and it has been fabulous. I have been occupied with my tutorial. The national examination is getting closer for my students. We are all working hard to catch up. The relief part is, they are got accepted in one of the best IB schools in Jakarta. I'm so proud with them.

As work..it's okay, I can't complain about it although every Thursday I have to run from PIM 1 to PIM 2 to catch my dance class ( I take it as warm up ).

Well..hmm...what else ? My life been busy, juggling between work and gym and tutorial. I have no day off.

Gotta go now..work is waiting...*poof*

Random Thoughts for Today

2010-12-28T19:09:00.001-08:00

Wednesday is my day off from work and I don't feel like to give tutorial today, to be even make me more lazy is the weather. It has been raining since last night. I'm trying to get back to sleep although it's already 10.30 AM.

So, here I am, with my mug of coffee, my favorite cookies; my mind start to wander. First stop, is the topic in online newspaper; a teenager committed suicide. The interesting part is this kid comes from a wealthy family. He supposed to go to college next January in one of best universities in Australia. He has bright future in front of him and why would he kill himself? To be honest, committing suicide had ever occurred in my mind. But comparing to this boy, my life was a big mess. However, I managed to live until this day. Finished reading the news, I realized the teenager suicide is a true example how money is not a guarantee for happiness. Being wealthy and got accepted in a reputable university don't make somebody strong to face the reality. Or..I don't know...people have their own ways to overcome their problems. But, it's a shame ending your life without Allah's will. Maybe if I could say to him..if you would just hang on for a little while, maybe things would be different.

My second thought; now stop in my guilty pleasure : BURGER KING!! I can't believe my workplace is just 1 minute away from Burger King. After weeks and weeks of trying not to get tempted to have the burger, my wall of defense fell down. I couldn't resist to try their new menu : Angry Angus with jalapeno and cheese. How was it? It was GOOD!!! DIVINE!! It tastes better than Big Whopper. Well, it's guilty pleasure indeed. Then during my break, I had body combat class, so at least the fatty part of angry angus didn't stay for long.

Next is, my picture in new work place, it's almost a month now and I haven't told what is it like. My new job is as Personal Tutor at Wall Street Institute of English. Fairly new in Jakarta, but it's a big and well known english institution . Very easy job, the level stress is not high and the best part is the payment is pretty good. With this new job, I have more time to focus on practicing my writing skill. The company allows me to join the writing workshop, allows me to have my "me" time sit in the front of my netbook to write. And by the way, one of the teachers here is also a journalist, so I learn a lot from him. Am I the luckiest woman on earth or what?

Well that's all my random thoughts for today. I'm person with full of thoughts and they can be anything.

Happy Christmas, Happy Time @ Central Park

2010-12-25T03:55:00.000-08:00

It's Christmas Day, and of course I don't have to go to work. Luckily, there is special Christmas class at Celebrity Fitness Central Park : 2.5 hours of dancing class!! The dress code is of course all about Christmas. BTW, I don't celebrate Christmas but it's always fun to join the hype! With my awesome dance mate Mega, we traveled all the way to western part of Jakarta. And it's all worth it! The class was super fun, great choreography and great people there. Now..I can't wait to have another special class for New Year still at Celebrity Fitness Central Park.

The Pictures are in random order...2.5 hours of dancing surely tiring!! and we were busy taking pictures.

among the presents

Front of gigantic christmas tree

@dance studio

big posers!

Stolen presents

Yo!!!

locker's poser

Always Workout Always Happy!!!

2010-12-20T07:15:00.000-08:00

Posing before Body Pump class

Yeaappp...don't think I'm just sitting around, sobbing, regretting what had happened..ohh noooo....I'm not like that and I'm not pretending to be happy. I'm REALLY happy because I'm surrounded with good friends and positive people. Working out is one of the things that often take my sorrow away. I love the endorphin rush running through my vein. Here are mobile photos as real proof. I love my gym time at FX.

Almost time for Body Pump!

Having my plates,bar, and step ready for Body Pump class

A Bag Full of Happines : Don't Know Why I'm Happy

2010-12-17T01:46:00.000-08:00

Wowww...this is good right? Feeling happy without reason. It just in me. I'm feeling happy, excited and all the positive feelings.

It's been just less than a month, I joined Wallstreet Institute but I like the atmosphere so far. Only few staff who are seems ignorance. But,m I don't bother. It's less stressful in my new place. I have more time to do writing workshop ( the institute provides it for free !! ) . I have new friends at the gym now. Well...since my gym hour is changed to morning, so I found good friendship with some members who usually come in the morning. The great part is, some of them are also studying in the place where I teach. So cool huh?

Ok..what else? what else that make me feel happy now...hmmm..maybe because I go to the gym more often now. More endorphine produced. Thatsn good...hmmm...what else ya??

So far only those reasons above make me happy....yeaaahhh I'm happy!!!!

With Allah is Whom I Want To Be With

2010-12-14T16:32:00.000-08:00

I'm very touched with one of Sami Yusuf's song called : You Came To Me ( I put the lyric in the previous post ). The song really makes me cry, not cry for sadness but cry how great Allah is. How kind Allah is. How I'm just small as dust in front of Him. How I'm just weak human being without You. How I'm just nothing in this world with You.

When I feel hopeless, He gives me hope through prayers

Man's way leads to hopeless end, Allah's way leads to endless hope

When other human beings betray me, He always around

When reason reaches its peak and the souls of His lovers feel helpless and disabled, they grow restless and stretch their hands in supplication, seeking comfort for their burning souls. When every manner of search within their power has been consumed, the doorway to Him is opened.

- Al-Hujwiri, "The Kashf al-Mahjub"

When other human beings hurt me, He heals me

When other human beings break their promises, He keeps His Promises

When other human beings turn their love, He loves me always

Allah kindles the fire of love in the hearts of the chosen, so that their carnal selves are consumed. Once ignited the fire of longing never dies. That is the flame about which the Prophet said, "When Allah wills the good of his servant, He kindles a light of faith in his heart."

When they asked him what were the signs of that fire, he replied, "Deviation from the abode of vanity; progression toward the Eternal."

- Abu Sa'id, "Rabi'a the Mystic"

When other human beings find forgive is hard to do, He forgives my sins

He who transgresses or wrongs his own soul but then turns to Allah seeking forgiveness shall find Allah Forgiving, Merciful.

- Qur'an, An-Nisa, Surah 4:11

Praise to you yaa Allah....Allah Akbar
You are my creator, thus to You I shall return

Please Let Me Enjoy My Peace. Please Don't Open My Scar

2010-12-13T15:39:00.000-08:00

This blog is my personal point of view. There are posts about my anger, and posts how I calm down. This is my diary, the ride of my life. The storms I had in life and how I overcome it. Inspiration mostly comes from John Tucker, although not in good way.

Three months of struggle. Getting out the pain in the chest. Holding back the rage. Trying to smile even though it was very aching. I couldn't breath because of the pain.
With tears and in silence I talked to Allah. HE prevented me of doing destructive things to John Tucker, although I could destroy his life. HE helped me to be strong. HE showed me the way.

Yesterday's post about my old scar being opened again. It was accident and I thought I was ready. But I'm not ready. Every time his name being spoken, the pain comes back. The rage bursted out.

It's good for me that I'm left alone with my own peace, my own life. I'm putting my life back, breathing the air. Please don't remind me of him in any way. It's toxicating for me and slowing down my healing process.

103rd Post

2010-12-13T05:06:00.000-08:00

Heyy...I didn't realize this is my 103rd post. I'm such productive writer today. What's the trigger?
Well, I have no idea why that english woman called me again. Somehow, she opened the old scar back. Which I don't need. I have struggled overcome the pain that John Tucker caused me. Now, because of her the flashes of his evil, the beast, heartless stuff he did to me came back. Struggling from the start again. So, I decided to delete her name from my BB. I just want to live in peace.

Luckily, the first bright side is I'm now again closer to Allah, having my faith thickened again. Allah always has HIS magical hands to help me. Again, one blessed woman. And while browsing in YouTube, I found english nasheed singer, Sami Yusuf and wow... he's very handsome.

Another good thing is, because I really need diversion from the pain, I put my thoughts in my blog. It will take few days again to remove the pain. With Allah's help I'm sure I will get through this.

You Came To me

2010-12-13T02:05:00.001-08:00

Again, music plays important role in my life. I stumble upon to this guy while I searched more about Asmaul Husa Dzikir. Due to technical reason, I couldn't upload the related video. Just search for Sami Yusuf on YouTube. But in here, I'm just showing the lyric :

You came to me in that hour of need
When I was so lost, so lonely
You came to me took my breath away
Showed me the right way, the way to lead

You filled my heart with love
Showed me the light above
Now all I want Is to be with you

You are my one true love
Taught me to never judge
Now all I want Is to be with you

CHORUS (x2): ALLAHUMA! Sal 'ala Sayideena Mustafa
'Alaa Habeebika Nabieeka Mustafa
(O God! Send Your Blessings upon our leader, the chosen one (Muhammad (peace upon him))
Upon Your Beloved, Your Prophet, the chosen one)

You came to me in a time of despair
I called on you, you were there
Without You what would my life mean?
To not know the unseen, the worlds between

For you I'd sacrifice
For you I'd give my life
Anything, just to be with you

I feel so lost at times
By all the hurt and lies
Now all I want Is to be with you

Showed right from wrong
Taught me to be strong
Need you more than ever
Ya Rasul ALLAH (O Messenger of God (Muhammad (peace be upon him))

You came to me
In that hour of need
Need you more than ever
Ya Rasul ALLAH

You filled my heart with love
Showed me the light above
Now all I want is to be with you

You are my one true love
Taught me to never judge
Now all I want Is to be with you

I cried to tears listened to this song. Praise to Allah The Almighty. Subhanallah, Allahu Akbar

Praise to Allah The Most Glorious and The Most Merciful

2010-12-12T22:30:00.000-08:00

“I asked God for strength that I might achieve. I was made weak that I might learn humbly to obey. I asked for health that I might do greater things. I was given infirmity that I might do better things. I asked for riches that I might be happy. I was given poverty that I might be wise. I asked for power that I might have the praise of men. I was given weakness that I might feel the need of God. I asked for all things that I might enjoy life. I was given life that I might enjoy all things. I got nothing that I asked for, but everything I hoped for. Almost despite myself, my unspoken prayers were answered. I am, among all men, most richly blessed.”

-anonymous-

Early January 2009, John Tucker betrayed me for second time. My heart sank but I found my lost love to Allah. I praised Him, asked for greater help. I found peace within. Afterwards, my love for Him never fade.

Last August, he betrayed me again. BIG TIME! There's no choice beside turning to Allah. This time I prayed big. In silence I talk to Him. He touched my soul once again. Whenever my heart in pain I praise Him with His beautiful names.

His beautiful names called Asmaul Husna. He has 99 names. But the names I most reiterate are :
- Yaa Rahman = The Most Merciful
So He will give me His Mercy for the sins I have done

- Yaa Rahiim = The most Compassionate
So He will always loves me

- Yaa Sabuur = The most Patient, the Enduring
So He will give me patience that I need to face all the troubles

- Yaa Wadud = The Affectionate, the Loving
So I will always be loved by Him, surround with Love.

I love Allah, there's no God but He. To Him I lay my life.

Ultimate Peace !!

2010-12-12T18:32:00.000-08:00

Yeah I should have written about my ultimate peace a long time ago. But I've been busy. So this is the time.

Yeah, I proudly announce *dancing with joy* that I have reached my ultimate peace. Yes it's ultimate peace. I stop missing him. No more tears. No more drama. No more crawling back at him. My life is soooooooooooooooo much better without him around. So much much better. I feel so light like a feather, flying. I'm alive again. My life is wonderful without him. All my friends are very happy that I'm no longer with him.

So far no relationship..I'm not in hurry though. I'm enjoying my moment, living to the fullest. Life is too short just regretting John Tucker. I'm free from evil person like him, heartless, full of lies, deceits. I'm very happy I'm FREE !! I'm living in peace.

SMILE...

2010-11-28T21:13:00.000-08:00

Music really influences me how I live my life and watching Glee is one of my favorites. Here's one song I really like. The melody soothes me. The lyric very easy to understand and beautiful. This song also help me getting through my sorrow.

This song originally sang by Charlie Chaplin. Without further a do, here's the lyric :

SMILE

Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though it's breaking.
When there are clouds in the sky
you'll get by.

If you smile through your pain and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun shining through
For you.

Light up your face with gladness,
Hide every trace of sadness.
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying.
You'll find that life is still worthwhile-
If you just smile.

Is It New Year Already?

2010-11-21T18:36:00.001-08:00

loving my new hair!! not only my hair is new..I'm embracing changes

Yeahhhhh..!! Whoopp..whoopp...I don't know why, I'm feeling like New Year already. Everything is new in 40 days before new year. New hair, new work, new skill, new people I'm dealing with, new routine and (hopefully) new relationship. Not just that, I'm putting new attitude. I have new life lies a head, and I know I'm going through to it no matter what. Because I'm a survivor. I'm smiling back to the world.

In middle of August my life was like a bitch, time went by, day, week and month went by, cold and hot weather. I made it. My life that was shattered because of John Tucker, slowly back to its places. I've got a new job where the location is the same area as in my gym ( very cool ).

Some people wait for new year to make changes, to make differences in life. But..DON'T wait!! Make changes now! Don't be afraid with changes and you'll feel new year earlier than anybody else!

Good or Bad, I Stand in Prayers

2010-11-19T04:49:00.000-08:00

In my previous post,I was fuming out. It was not a right time to write anything. Two days have passed, I used my time to pray. Didn't take a long time that anger disappear.

I'm a true believer of praying. My prayer might not be granted straight away, but by praying I feel peace, one burden lifted up, like magic.

Praying builds up my positive perspective,brings hope, take me out from the dark. Four months ago, my life was falling part. I resigned from job, John Tucker cheated on me, my tutorial saved my financial problem. I couldn't breath easily. Praying was only I could do. Each day, each morning, each night, I prayed and prayed ( somehow being jobless made me have more time to pray ). I prayed for strength to face my problems, my sorrow.

Takes a while to put my life back together. Now, my life is back to its place. I got the job which I'm dreaming of. My new environment is very positive.

Two days ago, my anger towards John Tucker really filled my heart. Through prayers, I was easy to let go him. It was easy to make peace with him.

I don't know, what's in John Tucker's mind. But I pray, hoping God will make him realize the pain I've had gone through. I've done my part, let God do the rest. It's up to HIM what HE's going to do with John Tucker.

Whatever it's going to happen or what happened, I stand in prayers.

Oh Come On...Not Again!! Jerk!!

2010-11-17T02:01:00.000-08:00

It was just recently that I finally made peace with the pain that this jerk gave me. My life is back to normal and I'm over him..I don't care what happen to him. And suddenly, on Sunday night ( 14/11/2010) this jerk message me through BB. Called me baby girl. At one point I'm happy because it means, opportunity opens for this jerk to return my friend's camera.

After few messages, he said this : can you keep a secret and promise not to write about it. I just agreed, nothing to expect. Then he wrote : I still love you.
That night he told me how he's been confused with his own feeling. Good thing I didn't trust him right away.

The next day, in the middle of me giving tutorial, I received a phone call from a woman and it came all they from England..where that jerk comes from. She claimed to be his girlfriend ( which I don't care and I could sense that he's seeing someone else over there ). She told me tons of facts about him. As much as I try not to care, it did ruin my mood. I had to keep myself together and be cool.
Thank God, after my tutorial I have my dance class.

At night,despite this jerk know a woman called me, he's still busy all dovey lovey with me. Telling me how he loves me. He wants to marry me blah blah.

To be honest, I really prefer not to know the details because I have gotten over him. Now I have to start all over again.

All the anger, the rage, filled my heart again. Thank God, for every storm in my life I stand in prayers. I managed to stay calm and cool.

There's still I want to get even with him..bigh time. So I wish him dead. I lied when I wish him. I DID NOT!! I try to wish him well, for my own sake, for my own heart

Oh God..I'm fuming out writing this. I just can't believe having relationship with him feels like roller coaster ride from HELL!

Give It Up To My Man.....EMINEM!!!

2010-11-16T19:10:00.000-08:00

For today's post I was going to write about "John Tucker" again ( from now on I'm going to refer my ex fiance as John Tucker ), but after a while and since I'm listening to Eminem while I'm writing this post. So, I decided to write about Eminem and how his songs ( more to his raps ) effect my life.

Eminem is known for his rash lyrics, all his albums labeled with "Parental Advisory" but if look it carefully what's in his lyrics, it shows how being different, his struggles, ( some ) about mockery of capitalism, and being tough through all the storms. He's been always different than other rappers. He's white and he's hot *wink*

When this "John Tucker" bastard playing on me and the same time work life was not cooperating. One morning, his latest song, "Not Afraid" played on MTV. It suddenly moved me like magic. After that, I downloaded almost all his songs and never get bored listening to them through my iPod.

Eminem...you're my man!! Holla at you!! Thanks for all the inspiring lyrics.

John Tucker Must Die

2010-11-16T00:02:00.000-08:00

The title of this post is the title of a movie as well. I can't remember what year of this movie released. I think it's more than 10 years ago. A witty funny movie.

This movie remind me of someone. A lover guy, who have hurt many women in his life, including my heart. This "John Tucker" is my ex fiance. Does he deserve to die? When your heart is fuming, you would say yes. But afterwards, you feel pity for this "John Tucker". He has nobody in his life. He might be a womanizer but he has no love. His heart is empty. He probably end up die alone.

Maybe we women, need a guy like "John Tucker"..to make us realize about love, and bumping into this kind of guy make us learn to be stronger. After my relationship ended with him, I learn so many many things.

So perhaps John Tucker not really must die and for the reasons I mentioned above there are men like John Tucker. However, men like John Tucker should learn his lessons before he checks out from this world.

Chris Brown and Ne Yo are Coming to Jakarta!!

2010-10-18T23:28:00.000-07:00

Yep, it's been the talk of this moments by all Jakartans. Chris Brown and and Ne Yo are coming to Jakarta for concert. I bet it's going to be super awesome!! I love Chris Brown's dance and his songs!! also for Ne Yo. Both top young R&B artists are coming to Jakarta. It's something to look forward to, especially for me, I'm a hip hop chick.

HOWEVER..there's a price to pay to see them. The ticket is 750.000 rupiah, nearly 1 million rupiah which is around 70 USD. Awww....expensive. I haven't decided, on the other hand I really want to watch them in spite of the expensive ticket. I hope they are truly worth to watch!

OMG, I still can't believe they are coming. I want to see them badly.

New Lessons to be Learned

2010-10-14T17:16:00.000-07:00

Months passed and I haven't put anything into this blog. Now, I put myself into writing again.
I was busy with my own thoughts being engaged.
Yes, I was engaged and I was happy. Now, I don't know the status..he's just gone..we haven't been talking for weeks.

Well, anyway to keep it short for the weeks and months passed I pick up new lessons and learning new things.
First, my level of letting go reaches to higher level. Secondly, the days are given to me are the days to practice my patience. I'm grateful with that.

During my days when he's ignoring me, I read lots and lots articles how to become positive, how to become affirmative and bad things happen again...and what do you know I'm ready!!

When bad things happen, I asked God..why?why?? a while later He gave me answer and He gave me clues where I should go.

Life is long journey and you get beat up along the way. You fall and get up...
Now after all what I've been through I said to God "BRING IT ON!"

1st of May

2010-05-03T18:25:00.000-07:00

Dinner at Loewy

On the 1st May, where at that day many people chosen to have large demonstration, we the hip ladies prefer to hang out in little area called Mega Kuningan and had dinner at Loewy. Of course it filled with fun because it was Diane's birthday. It was started just from my text message to her saying happy birthday. And the result : free dinner at one of the most hip place in town.

It was all filled laughters and typical ladies's night out. Very Sex and The City (rrr...ritte ).

Being Single And...

2010-04-07T22:38:00.000-07:00

On the way back to home from work yesterday, I met an old colleague whom I haven't seen for probably two years. After finished kissing both each other's cheeks, asked how are you stuffs then came up this question :

"Are you married?"

I paused...then with big grin I said "Nope.." She showed funny facial expression and telling me about some our friends have married. Blahh...blaaahh....*felt want to close my ears*

Thank God, it didn't take a long time to hear more stories about marriages. At home, the memory of that conversation hadn't faded then during my quite moment, I made the positives and negatives being single.

Let me start from the positves first :

Being single is free to make own decision, without worrying your partner's feeling

More time to do any hobbies or fun things

No heartbreak

Basically all the freedom you need in the world

And the negatives....

Always hate to hear or answer the question above

No partner if I want to go to the wedding

and I dont know what else...

Well, I'm not a hypocrite, I'm still waiting for my significant other. But in mean time, just enjoy ( or sometimes dwelling ) for being single.

Just Not My Thing Anymore

2010-03-28T16:14:00.000-07:00

Last Friday night, I discovered something new in my life. A little bit moving backward to few weeks back..my life was totally BORING, there was no motivation, there was nothing to look forward to.

Anywaaayyyy, as the afternoon came to the end, my friend called me for a night out. Well, I thought there was nothing wrong with it ( although I was worried with the cost of the drinks ). FORTUNATELY , it was ladies night!!! Thus, I didn't need to pay and it was all free!!!!!!!!!!!! Yay!!

Well..as my friend got too drunk, she got really annoying. She was into finding a date instead of having fun dancing with free drinks and she got too drunk!! The was awful, they need to watch MTV more often.

To sum up everything, clubbing is not my thing anymore. The night life is still the same as when I left it. Nothing new in there, as matter of fact, it's boring me more. Luckily, the drinks were free so in term of financial, there's nothing to regret. I'd curse myself if I had to pay!!

I think going to the gym, dancing or exercise or going for some retail therapy is more me than going clubbing.

Monday Morning @work' Thoughts

2010-03-07T17:50:00.000-08:00

Suddenly I want to become a MEAN PERSON! A really mean...a vicious one.
I want to eat spicy and sour food.
Craving for lamb satay
Thinking to do something evil to someone
Trying hard to be positive in spite of these difficulties
I need a tree which grows money

I need HOLIDAY!!!!!! I mean real holiday..traveling to another country not just in Jakarta.
I am SUPER BORED.....

Bored on Rainy Thursday

2010-02-24T23:04:00.000-08:00

It's raining outside, filled with thunder and lightning. A perfect time to sleep, but unfortunately I have to watch my students.
Huge boredom seems to flow in my vein, and with sleepy eyes I'm pretending to be busy in front of my laptop.

But hey, what do you know, the drowsiness brought me into wild ideas of writing. A newborn blog will be coming soon. I'm visualising the concept and the content of the blog. It will be in my own mother tongue,will be about the daily life experience, me commenting the happening issues around here.

Boredom can be a reason to be creative....sometimes....sometimes....:)

My Visa Application Being Refused???? WHat theee,..

2010-02-24T19:23:00.002-08:00

Well another thing didn't go like I expected..my visa to UK been refused. I have big expectation to visit uk and meet my significant other. I couldn't believe it, I wanted to scream...."WHAAATTTTT????" I just want to meet my boyfriend, I dont have any intention to stay there..!!

And at this moment, he's busy travelling because of his work. He probably wont make it in time to come here for photographic proof.

I can't blame the visa officer, it's his job to decline my visa application because it's not convincing enough.

I'm trying to accept this issue but...I CAN NOT!!! I've been longing to go. And it was just one more thing to go...the visa..and it's being REFUSED...:(((

Still want to go...still praying that miracle will happen...

Untitled

2010-02-22T19:56:00.000-08:00

Times really flies..there are ups and downs
Been very busy these days. Many thoughts but can't express it in a writing. I prefer to doodle on a piece of paper and throw it away.

Sorry God..

2009-12-09T03:43:00.000-08:00

I'm sorry for not believe you these couple of days
I'm sorry for not being so grateful
I'm for mad at you of what happened, considered you are not fair..
But I can't help it..I'm only human..

Sometimes, I just want to give up, quit the figh, because I'm tired..
I look for your help and sometimes it doesnt go my way..I get sad and frustrasted..

I can only say sorry for now, I still believe you are exist..but at this moment..I don't care if I go to hell, I just want to be sad now...sorry if I'm just a sinner

I Can't..

2009-12-07T23:28:00.000-08:00

Sometimes it's very tiring to get beat up..
It's very tiring even just motivating myself to move on..sometimes I just want to stop.

Accepting

2009-11-28T15:35:00.000-08:00

Things come and go
Some things they are kept for years, some just last for days, months
People come and go
Some stay with me, some gone...

When things are not going as I want them to be. It is sad but the only best thing I can do is be grateful of what I have now.

Making It Come True

2009-11-26T04:11:00.000-08:00

Success starts from a dream. Now I have dreams, loads of them. But, as they always say, to be successful, can't just dream it, but need to do it. And that's I'm doing right now. It seems a very,very,very long road, bet it's going to be a bumpy ride. I'm not afraid and I'm taking it one step at a time.

Wishing myself a luck

Another One...

2009-11-23T23:52:00.000-08:00

When I'm reading articles about letting go, denial and anything that will help to go through this letting go process.

I often complain how my life is unfair, how difficult it is just let him go, how he always has the right thing to say or to do to get what he wants and many more. I thought that time I was able to let go him, yes....but not 100%. And I'm not ready for it. The worse thing he knows I'm not ready and he takes advantage for it. Yet, I'm still foolishly in love with him.

As for work, it's not come easy as well. I faced some failures, although I have accepted the truth and being grateful that I have learned a valuable lesson. All the failures make me learn, make me to be more prepared for the next challenge in life. However, sometimes, I'm still sad why I didn't make it.

But when I was browsing, I found this interesting quote :

Life is not a success-only journey. You're going to get beat up along the way

This make me realize, nothing comes easy. Although I have overcome bitter moments, passed
( what seems ) the tests in life, and when I thought I have succeeded and there won't be more obstacles...I was wrong.....

It's journey full of struggle,tears, sacrifice, happiness, laughter, sorrow,joy until the time is come to meet the creator of life, God. It's like a game, once succeed to first level, up to the next level until the whole levels finish.

Now, I know..I'm going to be up along the way and all the obstacles in life are nothing beside my "ammunition" to keep fighting in this life.

Denial

2009-11-23T23:12:00.000-08:00

These days I'm aware at this moment I'm on denial and this has been cycling through my life. The facts are there in front of my eyes. He has shown himself of what he is. Yet, I'm still standing here waiting in certainty. I'm not accepting the truths and the worse part is I haven't been able letting him go.

The more I try to let go, the more I grow hopes of him and the more I'm running back to him.
Be honest, I'm frustrated with this kind of feeling.
I know holding on to him, always running to him it's nothing but hurt me more. I know that!!! But how to let go? How do I stop from denying things ?

I have made peace with him, I have forgiven him for all the pain he caused. But when I forgave him, I love him more...Oh My God!!!

When I have the courage, the strength to let go...he always knows what to say or what to do.
How cruel is that?

It was...

2009-11-17T02:59:00.000-08:00

Everyday text without absence
Phone calls, your voice is like water in oasis
Flowers and stuffs...treated me like a princess
You are
But it was then..

Now, there's no more of that
Seems that we go to the different path

I can only pray, when your heart will open, your eyes will see...

And Then A Hero Comes Along

2009-11-15T22:34:00.000-08:00

And then a hero comes along
With the strength to carry on
And you cast the fears aside
And you know you can survive

So when you feel like the hope is gone
Look inside and be strong
That you'll finally see the truth
That a hero lies in you

A beautiful lyric from Mariah Carey "Hero"

Miss Him 'Till It Hurts

2009-09-28T06:50:00.000-07:00

How could miss someone who did you wrong?
How could miss someone who hurt you through and through?
I know he's no good for me..but why I miss him?

I hate missing him and it's very awful when I miss him. It hurts...it hurts so bad.

Better In Time

2009-09-25T16:40:00.000-07:00

Quoting the lyrics from one of Leona Lewis' songs ; Better In Time. I think this song really suits me at this moment and other moments when I want to let go....

It's been the longest winter without you
I didn't know where to turn to
See somehow I can't forget you
After all that we've been through

Going coming thought I heard a knock
Who's there no one
Thinking that I deserve it Now
I realize that I really didn't know
If you didn't notice you mean everything
Quickly I'm learnin'To love again
All I know isI'm gon' be ok

Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time

And even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause
I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

I couldn't turn on the TV
Without something that'd remind me
Was it all that easy
To just put aside your feelings
If I'm dreaming
Don't wanna let that hurt my feelings
But that's the path I've been living
And I know that time will heal it
If you didn't notice boy you meant everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is I'm gon' be ok

Since there's no more you and me
It's time I let you go so I can be free
And live my life how it should be
No matter how hard it is I'll be fine without you
Yes I will

---------------------

Time will heal all the wounds right?

Another Lesson About Patience

2009-09-23T05:06:00.000-07:00

Today, I learn again the value of patience, sharpening the ability to become patient. Whatever happened earlier, I decided to take it as practicing my patience. There's no use being impatient and rush things. What I got is only anger, frustration and agitation. In fact I hurt someone's else feeling by being impatient. I feel guilty about it.

Well, I guess it's time just sit back as watching the night sky and enjoy the moment.

PS : perhaps on the way become patient, I might lose temper or agitated or upset.

Patience Tested

2009-09-22T15:03:00.000-07:00

All the patience I have is being tested these days. My efforts seem fruitless and dreams are shattered. Nothing that I wish and been praying for come into reality. So what I need is another bigger patience that I already I have.

Do you think I can go through this patience test?

Love Is Blind???

2009-09-18T05:28:00.000-07:00

What's to look in his face? He's not that good looking. Compare to my gym crush ( wondering where he's been ?) he's not that hot. But why he's always in my mind? Why he's the one I miss ? He's the one who can create the butterflies in my stomach.

I tried to look for someone else, but no chemistry there. I really miss him. He probably doesn't........

How I Miss You

2009-09-12T19:23:00.000-07:00

I miss you badly. I miss everything about you. From your smell,your cheekiness, everything.

Do you miss me like i miss you ? If you miss me, never go away .
Hopefully, you'll come stay someday.

Being Patient : Day 1

2009-09-07T02:58:00.000-07:00

First day in applying my patience in life. Who says it's very easy? It's very difficult although it's not impossible to do it.

I'm still hoping to get the job, wishing that company to call me. If it is a great expectation then a short text message from him always make my day.

I've been missing him so bad, very bad.

However..anyway..even though the day went so wrong I wouldn't change a thing..just be patient..

Learning To Be Patient : Time to Cool

2009-09-06T02:36:00.000-07:00

Patience is the best remedy for every trouble

-Titus Maccius Plautus-

Things are not going my way recently. I was anxiously waiting for the result of my interview and I kept my cell phone everywhere hoping it will ring. But it didn't ring at all. How crap is that? Love life isn't as I expected to be, working life is so boring, my dream to go to school seems shattered etc. I even mad to God how he makes my life so miserable. I want to cry, I want to scream how unfair the life is, I want to be mad.

Took me nearly 3 days to figure out that patience is all I need and I can't agree more to the quote above.

I don't need to dwell and I don't need to complain. What I need to do is accepting the imperfections in life. I need to find another opportunities. If somehow I fail to this interview it means I have to practice more for next interview. I will take it as reminder that I need room for improvement.

For school, I need to put extra effort..and for relationship ? Well just patient, he'll come when the right time comes.

Even I'm writing about patience today, doesn't mean I'm instantly become the most patient woman in the world. But more to my self learning and journey to become a patient person. Like every journey, there are always obstacles anc challenges along the way. There would be time I would lose my cool, there would be some people who pressing the angry button and so on. The only thing I can do is remind myself to be patient in everything.

Something Has Changed?

2009-08-28T06:41:00.000-07:00

Over the last weeks, I can't rid of the thoughts of going back to school. I haven't decided which school I want to go in and I even have no idea whether I can afford to pay the school's tuition. But the eagerness is very strong and I'm so so want to go back to school. Earn another degree or certification, either in writing or teaching.

I used to dream of wedding vows and bells, but it has been moved to lower list now. I don't envy to happily married couples walking hand in hand...I envy to those who can go abroad and study! How lucky they are. If I had all the money in the world, I would have gone for school in Europe or States.

I'm da Hip Hop BunnY!

2009-08-16T08:10:00.000-07:00

Oh yes, I am. That's my own new nickname. I find hip hop as a great stress relieve. Somehow the guy whom I crazy about is just gone quite. Thanks to the Lord and the people who created Hip Hop. It's a life savior. And what do you know..I'm a good dancer.

And this hip hop bunny will keep hip hopping until her troubles away.

Cat Got Your Tongue?

2009-08-15T04:55:00.000-07:00

Suddenly you are gone quite. I've been through this kind of situation and it was 7 months ago. Left me heart broken in devastation. I managed to get out from that and seem things are okay these days. But you are gone quite again...

What's going on? I'm trying to keep my positive thoughts on track but I can't get rid of the past ( what happened 7 months ago ).

Tuesday Evening 11.15PM

2009-08-11T09:15:00.000-07:00

Honestly speaking, really miss him..but he probably doesn't care or even miss me back. Deep inside wish him to call or simple text message..it would make my day but it's not....so in the mean time I can only dance..just dance..gonna be okay..

School is Cool

2009-08-09T07:53:00.000-07:00

I'll maket it very short...I want to go back to school...

I WANT LOTS OF MONEYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!

2009-08-03T06:27:00.000-07:00

I'm very familiar with the term "Money can't buy happiness" and not sure whether it's true or not. However I do need lots of money for my big dream : going back to school ( in overseas ) !! Have been daydreaming taking journalistic course even if it's only for 3 months. But I hope more than that.

This Sunday, ( hopefully ) I will go to education fair and I'm crossing my fingers to find affordable school. Either way I still want lots of moneyyy!!! I'd definetely use the money for school and trip around Europe! I want to see snow.

*Dream big Alia*

I Just Wish..

2009-08-01T05:00:00.000-07:00

I just wish things are little bit easier for me...
I don't ask for huge amount of money, diamonds or gold
Well, the school life is rough at this moment. Bored to tears with work.I feel like nothing to look forward to.

Wish to live closer to work and gym just so I can do hip hop again. Felt like reborn when this instructor came. But I have to let go again...

I just wish things are little bit easier in any ways. And if possible I want to study journalism abroad, even if it's just a short course.

Why did You let the terrorists to rule in this country? Why did You let their actions??

Expecting Miracles

2009-07-24T04:18:00.000-07:00

Strolling down the road of South Jakarta in late afternoon
Watch the sun slowly set
The air mixes with exhaust gas from the buses, cars and motobikes
The chattering noise people passing by
For 15 minutes my mind wandered to the same old thing..
and I was expecting miracles..not many but a tiny weensy miracle will do...

Are Men Just The Same?

2009-07-20T03:18:00.000-07:00

Are they the same creature, who is after one thing and then just toss it away?
Is there anyone different? What differs him and the others? Nothing I guess or am I the one who caught up with the same type..?
Will there be official or am I just unofficial girlfriend?

Oh Yeah OLD SKOOL!!!

2009-07-19T23:10:00.000-07:00

Yeahh..I was bit bored, sad, felt bit unlucky but...I tried to derive my thought to something nice...last week hip hop class. The song was Too Legit Too Quit by MC Hammer ( does anyone remember ? ) I had great time in that class. My alter ego just came out..the hip hop chick ego!
And now I'm dancing ( and writing this blog ) with MC Hammer . I LOVE THE OLD SKOOL!!!

Untitled

2009-07-19T21:59:00.000-07:00

I've been through all. From being kicked out, dumped, cried over, being loved,ignored
etc. And still I'm staying.

There are times I like this life eventhough deep inside I always afraid this gonna come to an end. I'm still envy why they can be so lucky and me still here...can only hope..wishing...been reading the How T0 books still not working..sigh very frustrating..

I Can't Sleep.....

2009-07-10T09:13:00.000-07:00

I can't sleep...
The fact I've done 2 classes in the gym, batik hunt in the morning
I'm tired
But still I can't sleep....
My mind wandering everywhere
Too many questions, too many whys
I'm restless...

I want to let out
I want everything to be okay
I'm waiting....
I need miracle...

I can't sleep....
I know why, but these eyes just dont want to shut

I can't sleep...
Something deep inside needs to be let out...
My heart is crying but I'm trying to smile..
Jealousy, envy, uncertainty,dishonesty, I don't want to let go...

I want it to stay...please...I just want it to stay

Just A Little Miracle

2009-07-09T05:16:00.000-07:00

Nothing that I wish for beside a little miracle. Just a little miracle

Single ( not really ) By Choice

2009-06-28T00:46:00.000-07:00

I read an article about being single and why many women these days prefer being single. How women now is financially settled and they don't need men to support them. That article somehow tickles me. Is it true or there's another reason behind it.

I'm thinking that perhaps they choose to be single because they fed up with hurtful relationship? Or like me too tired being hurt, too tired to meet new people, too tired with the dating game or sometimes I feel lazy to meet new people, too lazy to make the firts move ( since I'm not a good seducer ? ). All those reasons, unconciously make me to the path of single life.

Well, I'm 31 years old not yet married. If I wanto to brag I have men lining up to be my boyfriend. But there's no chemistry ( except to him; he can't be named :P ) and I'm too lazy and tired for that kind of stuff.

So hmm...I don't choose to be single but it's more because I haven't found the right person and I don't want to be trapped in a relationship or a marriage just for a status.

I Hate Blackberry!!!!

2009-06-20T06:52:00.000-07:00

First of all let me out this hatred through a gadget called Blackberry and perhaps I'm the only woman who hates Blackberry in Jakarta. For busy businessman it's something you can live without, somewhat it's understandable. I have two reasons why I hate it. First, it makes people to have their own world. Imagine this, you are hoping to nice chat with your boyfriend but that "evil thing" makes your boyfriend busy instead with yourself. That's irritating.

Another example : hang out with your besties whom you haven't met for a long time, and this evil thing pops up and makes everyone busy with their own.

Secondly, people here would do anything to have Blackberry just for...status!

To be honest I really wish this stupid evil thingy called Blackberry never been invented.

Envy

2009-06-15T01:22:00.000-07:00

photo courtesy :tommcmahon.typepad.com

Envy : an emotion that occurs when a person lacks another's superior quality, achievement or possesion ( wikipedia )

Envy..it's a feeling that I'm right now. I'm envy to my 2 friends. Both are getting married and now having holiday in Europe. Whilst I'm still here, still not knowing where this relatonship leads to. But it change a little to something better.

Yes, I do know it's very toxic emotion thus I'm trying to get out from it. I'm counting my blessings this holiday. Nothing big, but small blessings will do. So wish me luck. I don't want to be one envy bitch.

Holiday, Envy, Emotional Ride and Birthday

2009-06-13T02:39:00.000-07:00

Finally it's holiday for me. No work for 4 weeks and it's starting now!! I have no idea for my holiday this year. Wish could go travelling. But no money *hiks* ..anyone want to donate for my travelling???

As for envy, yeah..yeah..I got envy with my two friends who are so lucky to go to europe for free. But I remind myself with this quote "Envy is an art counting other's blessing"..well perhaps I'll get lucky in other things. Let's pray for it.

Emotional ride : it's all about him again but I can't describe it in here because I'm clueless as well. But one thing I know..it takes one hell of effort to make this thing work, otherwise I'd be left hanging. And oh..while I'm writing this I got burst of jealousy.

My birthday is coming soon!!! Happy for will be receiving birthday presents ( I hope ). Another part is I'm getting older.

But...you knoww...I will definetely try to be happy, enjoy whatever in front of me. I may not be in Europe rite now but I will be fine. Jakarta is not so bad after all.

Tuesday Night Scracth

2009-06-02T07:45:00.000-07:00

Okay, at this moment I don't have any shoulder to cry on. I'm sad, I feel bored, I feel nothing to look forward to, nothing excites me. Well, I can only bite the bullet and face the reality. The entertainment I have is gym. I'm not a big fan of jogging or run on the treadmill. Chasing my favorite instructor is nothing but tiring, far and expensive. My relationship is not moving anywhere. I didn't get extra money for supervising the exam. Shitty huh?

My only choice is the gym at Pondok Indah Mall. Not many options for dance classes. But what can I do? So treadmill and all those free weights are my shoulder to cry on at this moment ( except at home ).

I'm sleepy now. Not so a wonderful day but at least I went to the gym and burnt some calories. Just my way to get through this.

In Need Of Shoulder To Cry On sob

2009-05-31T03:47:00.000-07:00

A song from one of my childhood idol : Tommy Page. Is there anyone can offer this? The part I want most : Side by side with you till the end...Whoooaaaaa..I want to cry nowww...*sob*

Shoulder To Cry On

Life is of lots up and downs

But the distance feels further

When it's headed to the ground

And there's nothing more painful

Than to let your feeling take, you down

It's so hard to know

The way you feel inside

When there's many thoughts

But you might feel better

If you let me walk with you, by your side

And when you need a shoulder to cry on

When you need a friend to rely on

And when the whole world's gone

You won't be alone, cos I'll be there

All of the times

When everything is wrong

And you're feeling like there no use going on

You can't give it up, I'll help you work it out

and carry on...

Side by side with you till the end

To firmly hold your hand

And when the whole world's gone, you always have my shoulder to cry on.....

Gloomy Sunday

2009-05-31T02:56:00.000-07:00

*Sigh* I feel so sad today. Went to the gym and joined body combat but still feel sad. Seems the dark cloud clinging over me today. I miss having someone for shoulder to cry on. I miss having someone to share everything with.

Feeling empty and lonely. The class was fun and my weight training was okay but as soon I get to the locker..the sad feeling just bursted again.

I feel tired faking myself to be happy. I just want to cryy..just want to cry. I'm only human being..I can't be happy all the time. And when I'm sad I need somebody to lean on with open arms for my shoulder to cry on.

Excursion Picsies

2009-05-29T05:54:00.000-07:00

Craziness over football! Even we are in the museum, football is always in my boys' mind. The boys were in luck, which museum allow you guys playing football. On the bus they were busy cheering for Barcelona ( Thanx God they won )

Here we are at Bank Mandiri Museum waiting for the elevator

Whole class at Bank Mandiri Museum

Can you believe we are in a museum??
*my favorite picture BTW*

Before leaving Bank of Indonesia Museum

Sunday Adrenaline

2009-05-24T03:06:00.000-07:00

Woke up with headache, but didn't stop me to decide going to the gym. It's never wrong going to the gym I thought. It's best leisure time when I'm broke ^-^. So it was good. I really enjoyed my Sunday gym. The gym is quite, no need to queue for the machines. No grunting men, no bulky and ugly men who often dropping the weights. It's just so right. Traffic is also quite on Sundays.

Another advantage is I have more time for my beauty treatment; body scrub and hair mask.

Not to forget on the way back from gym, my dream man called..aaawww..very nice surprise. I didn't expect he'd call. I think he's happy if I spend time in the gym than nagging him why no text message or phone call *giggle* but I think it shows my appreciation if his gift : a life time gym membership and Nike shoes.

See...why I can't get over him and always fall for him?????

Saturday Night Blog

2009-05-23T06:49:00.000-07:00

It's drizzling outside and clock shows 6 minutes to 9.
Let me tick what I've done : laundry..check...clean the bathroom..check...clean the fans...check...mopping the floor..check...kitty nap..check

Still thinking about my dream shoes, when I checked yesterday just 1 pair left..hiks..hiks..sob....there's another pair but more expensive.

My younger sister just was being little bit annoying with her attitude.

Kinda sad, waiting his phone call, really miss him a lot, miss having someone to share with.

Why he doesn't want to marry me ?

2009-05-22T19:04:00.000-07:00

Why he doesn't want to marry me ya???? can only dream...dream...dream...dream....:(((

If I Can't Have My Dream Man, Can I have My Dream Shoes?

2009-05-20T07:56:00.000-07:00

We can always dream, there are dreams are shattered, there are dreams come true. Some of my dreams come true, some are just shattered, some..I just decided to drop it.

I have a dream man. He's not that handsome, I'm not sure he's in the category. He's not athletic, in fact he's rather skinny. But I'm crazy about him. Totally crazy about him.
But..takes a lot of effort to get this man's heart.

Then I have this dream shoes. Nike shoes, saw them last week. It's like ballerina shoes, flat and with satin strap. Perfect combination between technology and fashion. When my foot slipped to the shoes, nothing I felt beside total comfort. I want them so bad. The price is quite wallet damaging. Need serious thought before purchase it.

Well, if somehow my dream man refuses my love then at least..can I have my dream shoes to cheer me up.....

Wishful Thingking (?)

2009-05-19T03:30:00.000-07:00

Just out of the blue ( miraculously his heart opened ) , he bend on his knee and :
Him : "Will you marry me?"
Me : " Have you thought about it, are you sure ?"
Him : " Yes, will you ?"
Me : "Of course ...." ( and I hug him )

Couple months later...Indonesian theme outdoor pool party. Just small reception attended by my family, his family, my friends and his friends.

But.....that was just a wishful thingking.....

Lyrics For Today

2009-05-18T06:51:00.000-07:00

Let's start from Kanye West : Heartless

In the night I hear 'em talk, the coldest story ever told
Somewhere far along this road, she lost her soul to a man so heartless
How could you be so heartless..

Homie I don't know he's hot and cold
I won't stop, won't mess my groove up
Cause I already know how this things go..

Now second...Enrique Feat Ciara : Taking Back My Love

'Cause you meant the world
So did I deserve to be left and hurt ?
I give it all up, but I'm taking back my love..

POP CORN...POP...POP...CORN

2009-05-17T01:49:00.000-07:00

In my dream, I want him to be with me everyday, relaxing together on weekends, all the romantic things. But..ummm since I think we are in "no string attached" kind of relationship thus I have to use my time wisely and need activity to occupy my mind.

And today, I came up with making pop corn! Yes, I think I'm mastering how to make pop corn in an old fashioned way. And today,I have figured out how to make the caramel pop corn that sold in supermarket. After few trials of course. Now I gain another ability!

Thingking to make it as small business....hmm...*daydreaming mode on*

Trial and error

Packed and ready to be sold

Two different flavours : plain and caramel

Saturday Scratches of Thoughts

2009-05-16T04:51:00.000-07:00

Came out with some scratches today..

First of all I have come to my decision to just bite ( and swallow ) the bullet stay with my job now. This because I saw really nice nike shoes ( not the sporty one but like flat ballerina shoes). Does it sound lame to stay in my job just because of nike shoes? Hhhmmmmm....naaaahhhh!!!! I want those shoes!!

Secondly : I'm totally fall for him, totally ready for commitment but he's NOT. I'm happy spending time with him. I always miss everything about him. His text messages always cheer me up. But he is not into commitment :((((((((( Wish there's more in this relationship and have no idea I still keep this little blind faith.

Thirdly is I've been eating too much! and craving for sushi at this sushi place called Sushi Tei. The sashimi salad is sssooo goood, very cruncy crispy roll and yummy cold soba. Not to forget free flow of green tea. I can't wait to go there again.

Between Two Choices

2009-05-13T05:03:00.000-07:00

These two questions always popping in my head : pursuing dream as a writer or having a job that I've been dreading ? It's not really the job that is bad. I need more challenge and I know I can do it. Another reason is perhaps I'm getting older, the distance from my work to house is quite far and pretty tiring these days. But the core is I REALLY NEED THIS CHALLENGE!

I'm listing down the positives and the negatives, if I resign and pursuing dream instead. The only thing I stay in this job is because it pays the bill.

Is it all about believe?If I believe I can do it then I can do it? Would it be true ?

Accepting The Difficulty

2009-05-09T05:05:00.000-07:00

"Opportunity...often it comes in the form of misfortune, or temporary defeat"

Napoleon Hill

I felt want to cry and scream..I know I can do that! But then as I calmed myself ( thanks to exercise and good coffee ), I accept this situation. There's no good if I'm just blaming people,being meanie or any negatives attitude.

One thing I truly believe..there would be something good for me if I keep being positive. I'm not lowering my work pace and still doing my best at work.

Then I found these 2 quotes ( the other already put on the top ) and the other one was said by Albert Einstein : "In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity". This time perhaps I'm having such difficulty with work but this is my opportunity to show who I'm, to work harder instead of dwelling.

When Heart Chooses

2009-05-05T08:01:00.000-07:00

In the moment we wake up or starting the day we are faced with choices. What clothes should I wear today? What do I do with my hair ? and more Do we get to decide today is happy day or not. Decisions have to be made. Our life experience, knowledge, intuition etc will determine what choice we make.
It is our choice how our life or day would be.

This late afternoon on a treadmill, I made a choice. I probably let go a good opportunity and let somebody's heart down. But it was the decision I have to make. With this decision I might be the biggest loner in the world. I might be hurt. If it is so, then just be it. There would be no regret. I prefer to sort out my life first, I'm in the middle of rejoicing my gym moments which was gone for a while and having a blast exploring life. Beside that my heart still with him. Give me time to let go.

For those who say care about me..please have respect of my decision. If things turn bad, then offer me shoulder to cry on instead of "I told you so".

Against All Odds

2009-05-02T01:07:00.000-07:00

Couple days back, I showed my colleagues one of blogs, which was Suddenly Slimmer. They expression after saw my blog more of mocking me and laughed at my blog, instead of compliment.

It got me down for little bit. Minutes later, I said to myself..so what...I think they are just envy, I have my own blog; a place to express my alter ego. And they don't have it.

I love going to the gym, I love the dancing classes, I found a way to express myself through writing. I found great passion about fitness. I love wisdom quotes. I love dressing up.

So what if they laugh at me. So what if they think I'm just a pretty face. So what if I'm not fit in. So what if they think I'm not a good writer, just because I don't write about love, fictional or poem. So what if I don't want to be skinny.

Even with limited english, with all the storms in front of me. I'm still going to chase one of my dreams : become a writer.

So, I've Been Told...

2009-04-28T00:22:00.000-07:00

Yeap, I've been told by many people not to go back with him. Over him, leave whim or never ever come back to him! But then I always go back to him. I know my action just gives him extra ego boost.

My god..every minute passes, I miss him. Very hard to let go. I just want this feeling to go away and wish to find his replacement soon.

One Year Later : Love Still Lingering And Still CraZY About YoU!

2009-04-26T23:01:00.000-07:00

What do you know it's been 1 year that I know him. We broke up and make up. Until today, I have no idea what we are. It's sort of no string attach relationship.

Honestly, I still have huge feeling for him, a very huge..HUMONGOUS feeling! Does he has the same feeling as mine ? I'm pretty much hesitate about it.

Yeah..yeah I feel stupid having this kind of feeling and don't think I try. I tried to be out of love from him but my crush in the gym already has girlfriend and I haven't found anyone who can "rock my world".

Whenever I try to let go, I miss him again. I wrote the bad things about him so it's easier to let go but stilll...he's unfaithful, he doesn't love me the way that I love him, he's fussy and yet why do I have this feeling?

The only thing I can do is live my life regulary but I STILL MISS HIM! I know this is going nowhere. but I still keep the hope, the faith and persistent about this.

Whoooaaaaa...why am I still in love with him???????????? I wish he knew

YES Man!

2009-04-26T06:16:00.000-07:00

Who would ever thought that Jim Carey's flick can be so inspirational. It's called Yes Man, a movie about a person who always says no to everything until he met his friend and invited him to his "yes" seminar. It changed him, he says yes to everthing and open him to new experiences.

This movie got me to another different perspective. I was asked to help making video documentary this Saturday. Seriously..I was ssooooo lazy. It was Saturday and I need some rest, not to think the place is far from my house. I'd rather at home sleeping.

But I said yes though, telling myself there would be something good come up. And..well..I was right! Everything was smooth and just like I'd expected things would be.

Glad to say yes, even it was hard to do it at first.

Count My Blessings

2009-04-22T08:24:00.000-07:00

Today, I'm counted my blessings turn out my life is not so earth shattering anyway..
Here they are in random order :

Lifetime membership in one of hippiest gym in Indonesia and it was a gift from someone.
Nike outfits which I get them for free
Still able to hang out
I have two laptops
I have a job
I have family
A sister who is good in photoshop
Good friends
A pretty face perhaps...?
Have the ability to write

And still more on the list...

Fake It Until You Make It

2009-04-21T06:46:00.000-07:00

"Fake it until you make it" heard and read this saying quite often when I was in brokenhearted mode. But then, I guess almost everyday I'm faking my emotion.

In the last few days, I've been faking how happy I'm about my friend's engagement. Well, frankly speaking..I was just being polite and nice, the real truth is I'm dang jealous! I'm surrounded with people who are getting married and I'm stuck in the middle. Thank God I have my iPod and laptop, so I can pretend playing with them or being busy with work.

Do I need to feel bad because being jealous? How can this negativity seems clinging over me ? Am I turning into a fake person?

I'm still dang in love with him and I'm faking that I'm not....
I pretend to be interested with the subject as if I'm not jealous..I'm faking it!!

Am I bad???

Money..Money..

2009-04-19T04:27:00.000-07:00

An old song by ABBA which trickles me..I know money isn't everything but I guess it's everyone's dream..especially me..single,live far from work and gym..I do need money.
Perhaps not so wealthy, at least for taxis is fine...

I work all night, I work all day, to pay the bills I have to pay
Ain't it sad
And still there never seems to be a single penny left for me
That's too bad
In my dreams I have a plan
If I got me a wealthy manI wouldn't have to work at all, I'd fool around and have a ball...
Money, money, money
Must be funny
In the rich man's world
Money, money, money
Always sunnyIn the rich man's worldAha-ahaaa
All the things I could do
If I had a little money
It's a rich man's world
A man like that is hard to find but I can't get him off my mind
Ain't it sad
And if he happens to be free I bet he wouldn't fancy me
That's too bad
So I must leave, I'll have to goTo Las Vegas or Monaco ( well I can't afford to go to these places )
And win a fortune in a game, my life will never be the same...

I Wish....

2009-04-19T03:42:00.000-07:00

I wish to meet my soulmate, my last resort in relationship. No more painful and heartaching relationship.
I wish to live closer to my gym and work.
I wish Jakarta is like Singapore
I wish to be a writer

Je Suis Fatigue

2009-04-13T22:38:00.000-07:00

Yes..it always been the same routine. Wake up at 4.30 AM,walk for 10 minutes to fetch the bus, move to different bus..after 1 hour, move to another bus then move to another one to get to office.

Reach work, only have 10 mintues to enjoy my breakfast before my students come for extra reading.

8AM : school starts until 1.40PM.

I'm tired...

Law of Attraction????

2009-04-13T07:32:00.000-07:00

Been reading about law of attraction..umm....I guess I'm not ready to implement and not sure if it is the right thing. Still believe in praying to God..to Allah the supreme power..
The right word is "ikhlas" means just let go. Something good will happen eventually...

I Miss You Babe...

2009-04-12T04:39:00.000-07:00

As I look back on all that’s happened..growing up, growing together, changing you, changing me — there were times when we dreamed together, when we laughed and cried together.

As I look back on those days, I realize how much I truly miss you and how much I truly love you. The past may be gone forever..and whatever the future holds, our todays make the memories of tomorrow.

So, my lifetime friend, it is with all my heart that I send you my love, hoping that you’ll always carry my smile with you, for all we have meant to each other and for whatever the future may hold

I miss you......

A Greater Help

2009-03-26T01:34:00.000-07:00

In the process of reaching peace, I got a greater interference from God and here's what I learned...
God didn't promise days without pain,
laughter without sorrow,
sun without rain,
but he did promise strength for the day,
comfort for the tears,
and light for the way.

Thank you for giving the strenght for me to carry this life.

Email For him?

2009-03-26T01:23:00.000-07:00

I wrote an email...no expectation...just I feel so peaceful after reading my friend's quote

Happiness..

2009-03-25T23:48:00.000-07:00

“Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfections.”

The quote above was taken from my friend's facebook status and it caught my eye for it. That quote somehow right. We are all looking for happiness. I have been trying to find reasons to be happy. What things which make me happy ( especially for my soul )?

This quote made me realize again, I don't have perfect life but yes..I definetely decide to look beyond the my imperfections life! Thanks Wid for the quote!

Different Perspective

2009-03-23T06:57:00.000-07:00

Once I read a quote like this : You can't change your life but you can change your perspective about life.

A different perspective! Hmm..what's this? Life can't be changed, sometimes we create that life. Well, if I look at myself after the break up, I'd say it's massively sucks. And takes a courage to see this matter in different perspective.

What's my perspective now? Things happens for a reason. That was my first initial realization. Then comes there must something I can learn from this.

And my perspective towards this break up is totally change. I begin to accept this my learning process. Learning to let go, learning to be stronger, train myself for what coming next, learning to be a fighter, the list can go on and on and on...but most important lesson, I learn to forgive.

After looking in different perspective, then it's not so bad after all. At least it eases the pain, I still think about him though but in good way..well it's his loss anyway....I deserve better.

So damn proud of myself....*big smile*

Behind every difficult person you meet, there's always lesson to be learned

Scratch Of Thoughts

Week 2 - Muffin Top Challenge ( My Confession )

Blabbing After A Long Time

Singappore Day 2

Singapore Day 1

Helloooowww April !

For The Love of Dancing

Learning Photoshop

Book Review : Dan Brown Deception Point

Today's Another Post

Heyyyaaaa...It's Been A While

Writing About Food

First Random Thoughts in 2011

Random Thoughts for Today

Happy Christmas, Happy Time @ Central Park

Always Workout Always Happy!!!

A Bag Full of Happines : Don't Know Why I'm Happy

With Allah is Whom I Want To Be With

Please Let Me Enjoy My Peace. Please Don't Open My Scar

103rd Post

You Came To me

Praise to Allah The Most Glorious and The Most Merciful

Ultimate Peace !!

SMILE...

Is It New Year Already?

Good or Bad, I Stand in Prayers

Oh Come On...Not Again!! Jerk!!

Give It Up To My Man.....EMINEM!!!

John Tucker Must Die

Chris Brown and Ne Yo are Coming to Jakarta!!

New Lessons to be Learned

1st of May

Being Single And...

Just Not My Thing Anymore

Monday Morning @work' Thoughts

Bored on Rainy Thursday

My Visa Application Being Refused???? WHat theee,..

Untitled

Sorry God..

I Can't..

Accepting

Making It Come True

Another One...

Denial

It was...

And Then A Hero Comes Along

Miss Him 'Till It Hurts

Better In Time

Another Lesson About Patience

Patience Tested

Love Is Blind???

How I Miss You

Being Patient : Day 1

Learning To Be Patient : Time to Cool

Something Has Changed?

I'm da Hip Hop BunnY!

Cat Got Your Tongue?

Tuesday Evening 11.15PM

School is Cool

I WANT LOTS OF MONEYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!

I Just Wish..

Expecting Miracles

Are Men Just The Same?

Oh Yeah OLD SKOOL!!!

Untitled

I Can't Sleep.....

Just A Little Miracle

Single ( not really ) By Choice

I Hate Blackberry!!!!

Envy

Holiday, Envy, Emotional Ride and Birthday

Tuesday Night Scracth

In Need Of Shoulder To Cry On *sob*

Gloomy Sunday

Excursion Picsies

Sunday Adrenaline

Saturday Night Blog

Why he doesn't want to marry me ?

If I Can't Have My Dream Man, Can I have My Dream Shoes?

Wishful Thingking (?)

In Need Of Shoulder To Cry On sob