Sorry God..

I'm sorry for not believe you these couple of days
I'm sorry for not being so grateful
I'm for mad at you of what happened, considered you are not fair..
But I can't help it..I'm only human..

Sometimes, I just want to give up, quit the figh, because I'm tired..
I look for your help and sometimes it doesnt go my way..I get sad and frustrasted..

I can only say sorry for now, I still believe you are exist..but at this moment..I don't care if I go to hell, I just want to be sad now...sorry if I'm just a sinner

I Can't..

Sometimes it's very tiring to get beat up..
It's very tiring even just motivating myself to move on..sometimes I just want to stop.

Accepting

Things come and go
Some things they are kept for years, some just last for days, months
People come and go
Some stay with me, some gone...

When things are not going as I want them to be. It is sad but the only best thing I can do is be grateful of what I have now.

Making It Come True

Success starts from a dream. Now I have dreams, loads of them. But, as they always say, to be successful, can't just dream it, but need to do it. And that's I'm doing right now. It seems a very,very,very long road, bet it's going to be a bumpy ride. I'm not afraid and I'm taking it one step at a time.

Wishing myself a luck

Another One...

When I'm reading articles about letting go, denial and anything that will help to go through this letting go process.

I often complain how my life is unfair, how difficult it is just let him go, how he always has the right thing to say or to do to get what he wants and many more. I thought that time I was able to let go him, yes....but not 100%. And I'm not ready for it. The worse thing he knows I'm not ready and he takes advantage for it. Yet, I'm still foolishly in love with him.

As for work, it's not come easy as well. I faced some failures, although I have accepted the truth and being grateful that I have learned a valuable lesson. All the failures make me learn, make me to be more prepared for the next challenge in life. However, sometimes, I'm still sad why I didn't make it.

But when I was browsing, I found this interesting quote :

Life is not a success-only journey. You're going to get beat up along the way

This make me realize, nothing comes easy. Although I have overcome bitter moments, passed
( what seems ) the tests in life, and when I thought I have succeeded and there won't be more obstacles...I was wrong.....

It's journey full of struggle,tears, sacrifice, happiness, laughter, sorrow,joy until the time is come to meet the creator of life, God. It's like a game, once succeed to first level, up to the next level until the whole levels finish.

Now, I know..I'm going to be up along the way and all the obstacles in life are nothing beside my "ammunition" to keep fighting in this life.

Denial

These days I'm aware at this moment I'm on denial and this has been cycling through my life. The facts are there in front of my eyes. He has shown himself of what he is. Yet, I'm still standing here waiting in certainty. I'm not accepting the truths and the worse part is I haven't been able letting him go.

The more I try to let go, the more I grow hopes of him and the more I'm running back to him.
Be honest, I'm frustrated with this kind of feeling.
I know holding on to him, always running to him it's nothing but hurt me more. I know that!!! But how to let go? How do I stop from denying things ?

I have made peace with him, I have forgiven him for all the pain he caused. But when I forgave him, I love him more...Oh My God!!!

When I have the courage, the strength to let go...he always knows what to say or what to do.
How cruel is that?

It was...

Everyday text without absence
Phone calls, your voice is like water in oasis
Flowers and stuffs...treated me like a princess
You are
But it was then..

Now, there's no more of that
Seems that we go to the different path

I can only pray, when your heart will open, your eyes will see...

And Then A Hero Comes Along

And then a hero comes along
With the strength to carry on
And you cast the fears aside
And you know you can survive

So when you feel like the hope is gone
Look inside and be strong
That you'll finally see the truth
That a hero lies in you

A beautiful lyric from Mariah Carey "Hero"

Miss Him 'Till It Hurts

How could miss someone who did you wrong?
How could miss someone who hurt you through and through?
I know he's no good for me..but why I miss him?

I hate missing him and it's very awful when I miss him. It hurts...it hurts so bad.

Better In Time

Quoting the lyrics from one of Leona Lewis' songs ; Better In Time. I think this song really suits me at this moment and other moments when I want to let go....

It's been the longest winter without you
I didn't know where to turn to
See somehow I can't forget you
After all that we've been through

Going coming thought I heard a knock
Who's there no one
Thinking that I deserve it Now
I realize that I really didn't know
If you didn't notice you mean everything
Quickly I'm learnin'To love again
All I know isI'm gon' be ok

Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time

And even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause
I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

I couldn't turn on the TV
Without something that'd remind me
Was it all that easy
To just put aside your feelings
If I'm dreaming
Don't wanna let that hurt my feelings
But that's the path I've been living
And I know that time will heal it
If you didn't notice boy you meant everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is I'm gon' be ok

Since there's no more you and me
It's time I let you go so I can be free
And live my life how it should be
No matter how hard it is I'll be fine without you
Yes I will

---------------------

Time will heal all the wounds right?

Another Lesson About Patience

Today, I learn again the value of patience, sharpening the ability to become patient. Whatever happened earlier, I decided to take it as practicing my patience. There's no use being impatient and rush things. What I got is only anger, frustration and agitation. In fact I hurt someone's else feeling by being impatient. I feel guilty about it.

Well, I guess it's time just sit back as watching the night sky and enjoy the moment.

PS : perhaps on the way become patient, I might lose temper or agitated or upset.

Patience Tested

All the patience I have is being tested these days. My efforts seem fruitless and dreams are shattered. Nothing that I wish and been praying for come into reality. So what I need is another bigger patience that I already I have.

Do you think I can go through this patience test?

Love Is Blind???

What's to look in his face? He's not that good looking. Compare to my gym crush ( wondering where he's been ?) he's not that hot. But why he's always in my mind? Why he's the one I miss ? He's the one who can create the butterflies in my stomach.

I tried to look for someone else, but no chemistry there. I really miss him. He probably doesn't........

How I Miss You

I miss you badly. I miss everything about you. From your smell,your cheekiness, everything.

Do you miss me like i miss you ? If you miss me, never go away .
Hopefully, you'll come stay someday.

Being Patient : Day 1

First day in applying my patience in life. Who says it's very easy? It's very difficult although it's not impossible to do it.

I'm still hoping to get the job, wishing that company to call me. If it is a great expectation then a short text message from him always make my day.

I've been missing him so bad, very bad.

However..anyway..even though the day went so wrong I wouldn't change a thing..just be patient..

Learning To Be Patient : Time to Cool

Patience is the best remedy for every trouble

-Titus Maccius Plautus-

Things are not going my way recently. I was anxiously waiting for the result of my interview and I kept my cell phone everywhere hoping it will ring. But it didn't ring at all. How crap is that? Love life isn't as I expected to be, working life is so boring, my dream to go to school seems shattered etc. I even mad to God how he makes my life so miserable. I want to cry, I want to scream how unfair the life is, I want to be mad.

Took me nearly 3 days to figure out that patience is all I need and I can't agree more to the quote above.

I don't need to dwell and I don't need to complain. What I need to do is accepting the imperfections in life. I need to find another opportunities. If somehow I fail to this interview it means I have to practice more for next interview. I will take it as reminder that I need room for improvement.

For school, I need to put extra effort..and for relationship ? Well just patient, he'll come when the right time comes.

Even I'm writing about patience today, doesn't mean I'm instantly become the most patient woman in the world. But more to my self learning and journey to become a patient person. Like every journey, there are always obstacles anc challenges along the way. There would be time I would lose my cool, there would be some people who pressing the angry button and so on. The only thing I can do is remind myself to be patient in everything.

Something Has Changed?

Over the last weeks, I can't rid of the thoughts of going back to school. I haven't decided which school I want to go in and I even have no idea whether I can afford to pay the school's tuition. But the eagerness is very strong and I'm so so want to go back to school. Earn another degree or certification, either in writing or teaching.

I used to dream of wedding vows and bells, but it has been moved to lower list now. I don't envy to happily married couples walking hand in hand...I envy to those who can go abroad and study! How lucky they are. If I had all the money in the world, I would have gone for school in Europe or States.

I'm da Hip Hop BunnY!

Oh yes, I am. That's my own new nickname. I find hip hop as a great stress relieve. Somehow the guy whom I crazy about is just gone quite. Thanks to the Lord and the people who created Hip Hop. It's a life savior. And what do you know..I'm a good dancer.

And this hip hop bunny will keep hip hopping until her troubles away.

Cat Got Your Tongue?

Suddenly you are gone quite. I've been through this kind of situation and it was 7 months ago. Left me heart broken in devastation. I managed to get out from that and seem things are okay these days. But you are gone quite again...

What's going on? I'm trying to keep my positive thoughts on track but I can't get rid of the past ( what happened 7 months ago ).

Tuesday Evening 11.15PM

Honestly speaking, really miss him..but he probably doesn't care or even miss me back. Deep inside wish him to call or simple text message..it would make my day but it's not....so in the mean time I can only dance..just dance..gonna be okay..

School is Cool

I'll maket it very short...I want to go back to school...

I WANT LOTS OF MONEYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!

I'm very familiar with the term "Money can't buy happiness" and not sure whether it's true or not. However I do need lots of money for my big dream : going back to school ( in overseas ) !! Have been daydreaming taking journalistic course even if it's only for 3 months. But I hope more than that.

This Sunday, ( hopefully ) I will go to education fair and I'm crossing my fingers to find affordable school. Either way I still want lots of moneyyy!!! I'd definetely use the money for school and trip around Europe! I want to see snow.

*Dream big Alia*

I Just Wish..

I just wish things are little bit easier for me...
I don't ask for huge amount of money, diamonds or gold
Well, the school life is rough at this moment. Bored to tears with work.I feel like nothing to look forward to.

Wish to live closer to work and gym just so I can do hip hop again. Felt like reborn when this instructor came. But I have to let go again...

I just wish things are little bit easier in any ways. And if possible I want to study journalism abroad, even if it's just a short course.

Why did You let the terrorists to rule in this country? Why did You let their actions??

Expecting Miracles

Strolling down the road of South Jakarta in late afternoon
Watch the sun slowly set
The air mixes with exhaust gas from the buses, cars and motobikes
The chattering noise people passing by
For 15 minutes my mind wandered to the same old thing..
and I was expecting miracles..not many but a tiny weensy miracle will do...

Are Men Just The Same?

Are they the same creature, who is after one thing and then just toss it away?
Is there anyone different? What differs him and the others? Nothing I guess or am I the one who caught up with the same type..?
Will there be official or am I just unofficial girlfriend?

Oh Yeah OLD SKOOL!!!

Yeahh..I was bit bored, sad, felt bit unlucky but...I tried to derive my thought to something nice...last week hip hop class. The song was Too Legit Too Quit by MC Hammer ( does anyone remember ? ) I had great time in that class. My alter ego just came out..the hip hop chick ego!
And now I'm dancing ( and writing this blog ) with MC Hammer . I LOVE THE OLD SKOOL!!!

Untitled

I've been through all. From being kicked out, dumped, cried over, being loved,ignored
etc. And still I'm staying.

There are times I like this life eventhough deep inside I always afraid this gonna come to an end. I'm still envy why they can be so lucky and me still here...can only hope..wishing...been reading the How T0 books still not working..sigh very frustrating..

I Can't Sleep.....

I can't sleep...
The fact I've done 2 classes in the gym, batik hunt in the morning
I'm tired
But still I can't sleep....
My mind wandering everywhere
Too many questions, too many whys
I'm restless...

I want to let out
I want everything to be okay
I'm waiting....
I need miracle...

I can't sleep....
I know why, but these eyes just dont want to shut

I can't sleep...
Something deep inside needs to be let out...
My heart is crying but I'm trying to smile..
Jealousy, envy, uncertainty,dishonesty, I don't want to let go...

I want it to stay...please...I just want it to stay

Just A Little Miracle

Nothing that I wish for beside a little miracle. Just a little miracle

Single ( not really ) By Choice

I read an article about being single and why many women these days prefer being single. How women now is financially settled and they don't need men to support them. That article somehow tickles me. Is it true or there's another reason behind it.

I'm thinking that perhaps they choose to be single because they fed up with hurtful relationship? Or like me too tired being hurt, too tired to meet new people, too tired with the dating game or sometimes I feel lazy to meet new people, too lazy to make the firts move ( since I'm not a good seducer ? ). All those reasons, unconciously make me to the path of single life.

Well, I'm 31 years old not yet married. If I wanto to brag I have men lining up to be my boyfriend. But there's no chemistry ( except to him; he can't be named :P ) and I'm too lazy and tired for that kind of stuff.

So hmm...I don't choose to be single but it's more because I haven't found the right person and I don't want to be trapped in a relationship or a marriage just for a status.

I Hate Blackberry!!!!

First of all let me out this hatred through a gadget called Blackberry and perhaps I'm the only woman who hates Blackberry in Jakarta. For busy businessman it's something you can live without, somewhat it's understandable. I have two reasons why I hate it. First, it makes people to have their own world. Imagine this, you are hoping to nice chat with your boyfriend but that "evil thing" makes your boyfriend busy instead with yourself. That's irritating.

Another example : hang out with your besties whom you haven't met for a long time, and this evil thing pops up and makes everyone busy with their own.

Secondly, people here would do anything to have Blackberry just for...status!

To be honest I really wish this stupid evil thingy called Blackberry never been invented.

Envy

photo courtesy :tommcmahon.typepad.com

Envy : an emotion that occurs when a person lacks another's superior quality, achievement or possesion ( wikipedia )

Envy..it's a feeling that I'm right now. I'm envy to my 2 friends. Both are getting married and now having holiday in Europe. Whilst I'm still here, still not knowing where this relatonship leads to. But it change a little to something better.

Yes, I do know it's very toxic emotion thus I'm trying to get out from it. I'm counting my blessings this holiday. Nothing big, but small blessings will do. So wish me luck. I don't want to be one envy bitch.

Holiday, Envy, Emotional Ride and Birthday

Finally it's holiday for me. No work for 4 weeks and it's starting now!! I have no idea for my holiday this year. Wish could go travelling. But no money *hiks* ..anyone want to donate for my travelling???

As for envy, yeah..yeah..I got envy with my two friends who are so lucky to go to europe for free. But I remind myself with this quote "Envy is an art counting other's blessing"..well perhaps I'll get lucky in other things. Let's pray for it.

Emotional ride : it's all about him again but I can't describe it in here because I'm clueless as well. But one thing I know..it takes one hell of effort to make this thing work, otherwise I'd be left hanging. And oh..while I'm writing this I got burst of jealousy.

My birthday is coming soon!!! Happy for will be receiving birthday presents ( I hope ). Another part is I'm getting older.

But...you knoww...I will definetely try to be happy, enjoy whatever in front of me. I may not be in Europe rite now but I will be fine. Jakarta is not so bad after all.

Tuesday Night Scracth

Okay, at this moment I don't have any shoulder to cry on. I'm sad, I feel bored, I feel nothing to look forward to, nothing excites me. Well, I can only bite the bullet and face the reality. The entertainment I have is gym. I'm not a big fan of jogging or run on the treadmill. Chasing my favorite instructor is nothing but tiring, far and expensive. My relationship is not moving anywhere. I didn't get extra money for supervising the exam. Shitty huh?

My only choice is the gym at Pondok Indah Mall. Not many options for dance classes. But what can I do? So treadmill and all those free weights are my shoulder to cry on at this moment ( except at home ).

I'm sleepy now. Not so a wonderful day but at least I went to the gym and burnt some calories. Just my way to get through this.

In Need Of Shoulder To Cry On *sob*

A song from one of my childhood idol : Tommy Page. Is there anyone can offer this? The part I want most : Side by side with you till the end...Whoooaaaaa..I want to cry nowww...*sob*

Shoulder To Cry On

Life is of lots up and downs

But the distance feels further

When it's headed to the ground

And there's nothing more painful

Than to let your feeling take, you down

It's so hard to know

The way you feel inside

When there's many thoughts

But you might feel better

If you let me walk with you, by your side

And when you need a shoulder to cry on

When you need a friend to rely on

And when the whole world's gone

You won't be alone, cos I'll be there

All of the times

When everything is wrong

And you're feeling like there no use going on

You can't give it up, I'll help you work it out

and carry on...

Side by side with you till the end

To firmly hold your hand

And when the whole world's gone, you always have my shoulder to cry on.....

Gloomy Sunday

*Sigh* I feel so sad today. Went to the gym and joined body combat but still feel sad. Seems the dark cloud clinging over me today. I miss having someone for shoulder to cry on. I miss having someone to share everything with.

Feeling empty and lonely. The class was fun and my weight training was okay but as soon I get to the locker..the sad feeling just bursted again.

I feel tired faking myself to be happy. I just want to cryy..just want to cry. I'm only human being..I can't be happy all the time. And when I'm sad I need somebody to lean on with open arms for my shoulder to cry on.

Excursion Picsies

Craziness over football! Even we are in the museum, football is always in my boys' mind. The boys were in luck, which museum allow you guys playing football. On the bus they were busy cheering for Barcelona ( Thanx God they won )

Here we are at Bank Mandiri Museum waiting for the elevator

Whole class at Bank Mandiri Museum

Can you believe we are in a museum??
*my favorite picture BTW*

Before leaving Bank of Indonesia Museum

Sunday Adrenaline

Woke up with headache, but didn't stop me to decide going to the gym. It's never wrong going to the gym I thought. It's best leisure time when I'm broke ^-^. So it was good. I really enjoyed my Sunday gym. The gym is quite, no need to queue for the machines. No grunting men, no bulky and ugly men who often dropping the weights. It's just so right. Traffic is also quite on Sundays.

Another advantage is I have more time for my beauty treatment; body scrub and hair mask.

Not to forget on the way back from gym, my dream man called..aaawww..very nice surprise. I didn't expect he'd call. I think he's happy if I spend time in the gym than nagging him why no text message or phone call *giggle* but I think it shows my appreciation if his gift : a life time gym membership and Nike shoes.

See...why I can't get over him and always fall for him?????

Saturday Night Blog

It's drizzling outside and clock shows 6 minutes to 9.
Let me tick what I've done : laundry..check...clean the bathroom..check...clean the fans...check...mopping the floor..check...kitty nap..check

Still thinking about my dream shoes, when I checked yesterday just 1 pair left..hiks..hiks..sob....there's another pair but more expensive.

My younger sister just was being little bit annoying with her attitude.

Kinda sad, waiting his phone call, really miss him a lot, miss having someone to share with.

Why he doesn't want to marry me ?

Why he doesn't want to marry me ya???? can only dream...dream...dream...dream....:(((

If I Can't Have My Dream Man, Can I have My Dream Shoes?

We can always dream, there are dreams are shattered, there are dreams come true. Some of my dreams come true, some are just shattered, some..I just decided to drop it.

I have a dream man. He's not that handsome, I'm not sure he's in the category. He's not athletic, in fact he's rather skinny. But I'm crazy about him. Totally crazy about him.
But..takes a lot of effort to get this man's heart.

Then I have this dream shoes. Nike shoes, saw them last week. It's like ballerina shoes, flat and with satin strap. Perfect combination between technology and fashion. When my foot slipped to the shoes, nothing I felt beside total comfort. I want them so bad. The price is quite wallet damaging. Need serious thought before purchase it.

Well, if somehow my dream man refuses my love then at least..can I have my dream shoes to cheer me up.....

Wishful Thingking (?)

Just out of the blue ( miraculously his heart opened ) , he bend on his knee and :
Him : "Will you marry me?"
Me : " Have you thought about it, are you sure ?"
Him : " Yes, will you ?"
Me : "Of course ...." ( and I hug him )

Couple months later...Indonesian theme outdoor pool party. Just small reception attended by my family, his family, my friends and his friends.

But.....that was just a wishful thingking.....

Lyrics For Today

Let's start from Kanye West : Heartless

In the night I hear 'em talk, the coldest story ever told
Somewhere far along this road, she lost her soul to a man so heartless
How could you be so heartless..

Homie I don't know he's hot and cold
I won't stop, won't mess my groove up
Cause I already know how this things go..

Now second...Enrique Feat Ciara : Taking Back My Love

'Cause you meant the world
So did I deserve to be left and hurt ?
I give it all up, but I'm taking back my love..

POP CORN...POP...POP...CORN

In my dream, I want him to be with me everyday, relaxing together on weekends, all the romantic things. But..ummm since I think we are in "no string attached" kind of relationship thus I have to use my time wisely and need activity to occupy my mind.

And today, I came up with making pop corn! Yes, I think I'm mastering how to make pop corn in an old fashioned way. And today,I have figured out how to make the caramel pop corn that sold in supermarket. After few trials of course. Now I gain another ability!

Thingking to make it as small business....hmm...*daydreaming mode on*

Trial and error


Packed and ready to be sold

Two different flavours : plain and caramel

Saturday Scratches of Thoughts

Came out with some scratches today..

First of all I have come to my decision to just bite ( and swallow ) the bullet stay with my job now. This because I saw really nice nike shoes ( not the sporty one but like flat ballerina shoes). Does it sound lame to stay in my job just because of nike shoes? Hhhmmmmm....naaaahhhh!!!! I want those shoes!!

Secondly : I'm totally fall for him, totally ready for commitment but he's NOT. I'm happy spending time with him. I always miss everything about him. His text messages always cheer me up. But he is not into commitment :((((((((( Wish there's more in this relationship and have no idea I still keep this little blind faith.

Thirdly is I've been eating too much! and craving for sushi at this sushi place called Sushi Tei. The sashimi salad is sssooo goood, very cruncy crispy roll and yummy cold soba. Not to forget free flow of green tea. I can't wait to go there again.

Between Two Choices

These two questions always popping in my head : pursuing dream as a writer or having a job that I've been dreading ? It's not really the job that is bad. I need more challenge and I know I can do it. Another reason is perhaps I'm getting older, the distance from my work to house is quite far and pretty tiring these days. But the core is I REALLY NEED THIS CHALLENGE!

I'm listing down the positives and the negatives, if I resign and pursuing dream instead. The only thing I stay in this job is because it pays the bill.

Is it all about believe?If I believe I can do it then I can do it? Would it be true ?

Accepting The Difficulty

"Opportunity...often it comes in the form of misfortune, or temporary defeat"

Napoleon Hill

I felt want to cry and scream..I know I can do that! But then as I calmed myself ( thanks to exercise and good coffee ), I accept this situation. There's no good if I'm just blaming people,being meanie or any negatives attitude.

One thing I truly believe..there would be something good for me if I keep being positive. I'm not lowering my work pace and still doing my best at work.

Then I found these 2 quotes ( the other already put on the top ) and the other one was said by Albert Einstein : "In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity". This time perhaps I'm having such difficulty with work but this is my opportunity to show who I'm, to work harder instead of dwelling.

When Heart Chooses

In the moment we wake up or starting the day we are faced with choices. What clothes should I wear today? What do I do with my hair ? and more Do we get to decide today is happy day or not. Decisions have to be made. Our life experience, knowledge, intuition etc will determine what choice we make.
It is our choice how our life or day would be.

This late afternoon on a treadmill, I made a choice. I probably let go a good opportunity and let somebody's heart down. But it was the decision I have to make. With this decision I might be the biggest loner in the world. I might be hurt. If it is so, then just be it. There would be no regret. I prefer to sort out my life first, I'm in the middle of rejoicing my gym moments which was gone for a while and having a blast exploring life. Beside that my heart still with him. Give me time to let go.

For those who say care about me..please have respect of my decision. If things turn bad, then offer me shoulder to cry on instead of "I told you so".

Against All Odds

Couple days back, I showed my colleagues one of blogs, which was Suddenly Slimmer. They expression after saw my blog more of mocking me and laughed at my blog, instead of compliment.

It got me down for little bit. Minutes later, I said to myself..so what...I think they are just envy, I have my own blog; a place to express my alter ego. And they don't have it.

I love going to the gym, I love the dancing classes, I found a way to express myself through writing. I found great passion about fitness. I love wisdom quotes. I love dressing up.

So what if they laugh at me. So what if they think I'm just a pretty face. So what if I'm not fit in. So what if they think I'm not a good writer, just because I don't write about love, fictional or poem. So what if I don't want to be skinny.

Even with limited english, with all the storms in front of me. I'm still going to chase one of my dreams : become a writer.

So, I've Been Told...

Yeap, I've been told by many people not to go back with him. Over him, leave whim or never ever come back to him! But then I always go back to him. I know my action just gives him extra ego boost.

My god..every minute passes, I miss him. Very hard to let go. I just want this feeling to go away and wish to find his replacement soon.

One Year Later : Love Still Lingering And Still CraZY About YoU!

What do you know it's been 1 year that I know him. We broke up and make up. Until today, I have no idea what we are. It's sort of no string attach relationship.

Honestly, I still have huge feeling for him, a very huge..HUMONGOUS feeling! Does he has the same feeling as mine ? I'm pretty much hesitate about it.


Yeah..yeah I feel stupid having this kind of feeling and don't think I try. I tried to be out of love from him but my crush in the gym already has girlfriend and I haven't found anyone who can "rock my world".

Whenever I try to let go, I miss him again. I wrote the bad things about him so it's easier to let go but stilll...he's unfaithful, he doesn't love me the way that I love him, he's fussy and yet why do I have this feeling?

The only thing I can do is live my life regulary but I STILL MISS HIM! I know this is going nowhere. but I still keep the hope, the faith and persistent about this.

Whoooaaaaa...why am I still in love with him???????????? I wish he knew

YES Man!

Who would ever thought that Jim Carey's flick can be so inspirational. It's called Yes Man, a movie about a person who always says no to everything until he met his friend and invited him to his "yes" seminar. It changed him, he says yes to everthing and open him to new experiences.

This movie got me to another different perspective. I was asked to help making video documentary this Saturday. Seriously..I was ssooooo lazy. It was Saturday and I need some rest, not to think the place is far from my house. I'd rather at home sleeping.

But I said yes though, telling myself there would be something good come up. And..well..I was right! Everything was smooth and just like I'd expected things would be.

Glad to say yes, even it was hard to do it at first.

Count My Blessings

Today, I'm counted my blessings turn out my life is not so earth shattering anyway..
Here they are in random order :

• Lifetime membership in one of hippiest gym in Indonesia and it was a gift from someone.
• Nike outfits which I get them for free
• Still able to hang out
• I have two laptops
• I have a job
• I have family
• A sister who is good in photoshop
• Good friends
• A pretty face perhaps...?
• Have the ability to write

And still more on the list...

Fake It Until You Make It

"Fake it until you make it" heard and read this saying quite often when I was in brokenhearted mode. But then, I guess almost everyday I'm faking my emotion.

In the last few days, I've been faking how happy I'm about my friend's engagement. Well, frankly speaking..I was just being polite and nice, the real truth is I'm dang jealous! I'm surrounded with people who are getting married and I'm stuck in the middle. Thank God I have my iPod and laptop, so I can pretend playing with them or being busy with work.

Do I need to feel bad because being jealous? How can this negativity seems clinging over me ? Am I turning into a fake person?

I'm still dang in love with him and I'm faking that I'm not....
I pretend to be interested with the subject as if I'm not jealous..I'm faking it!!

Am I bad???

Money..Money..

An old song by ABBA which trickles me..I know money isn't everything but I guess it's everyone's dream..especially me..single,live far from work and gym..I do need money.
Perhaps not so wealthy, at least for taxis is fine...

I work all night, I work all day, to pay the bills I have to pay
Ain't it sad
And still there never seems to be a single penny left for me
That's too bad
In my dreams I have a plan
If I got me a wealthy manI wouldn't have to work at all, I'd fool around and have a ball...
Money, money, money
Must be funny
In the rich man's world
Money, money, money
Always sunnyIn the rich man's worldAha-ahaaa
All the things I could do
If I had a little money
It's a rich man's world
A man like that is hard to find but I can't get him off my mind
Ain't it sad
And if he happens to be free I bet he wouldn't fancy me
That's too bad
So I must leave, I'll have to goTo Las Vegas or Monaco ( well I can't afford to go to these places )
And win a fortune in a game, my life will never be the same...

I Wish....

• I wish to meet my soulmate, my last resort in relationship. No more painful and heartaching relationship.
• I wish to live closer to my gym and work.
• I wish Jakarta is like Singapore
• I wish to be a writer

Je Suis Fatigue

Yes..it always been the same routine. Wake up at 4.30 AM,walk for 10 minutes to fetch the bus, move to different bus..after 1 hour, move to another bus then move to another one to get to office.

Reach work, only have 10 mintues to enjoy my breakfast before my students come for extra reading.

8AM : school starts until 1.40PM.

I'm tired...

Law of Attraction????

Been reading about law of attraction..umm....I guess I'm not ready to implement and not sure if it is the right thing. Still believe in praying to God..to Allah the supreme power..
The right word is "ikhlas" means just let go. Something good will happen eventually...

I Miss You Babe...

As I look back on all that’s happened..growing up, growing together, changing you, changing me — there were times when we dreamed together, when we laughed and cried together.

As I look back on those days, I realize how much I truly miss you and how much I truly love you. The past may be gone forever..and whatever the future holds, our todays make the memories of tomorrow.

So, my lifetime friend, it is with all my heart that I send you my love, hoping that you’ll always carry my smile with you, for all we have meant to each other and for whatever the future may hold

I miss you......

A Greater Help

In the process of reaching peace, I got a greater interference from God and here's what I learned...
God didn't promise days without pain,
laughter without sorrow,
sun without rain,
but he did promise strength for the day,
comfort for the tears,
and light for the way.

Thank you for giving the strenght for me to carry this life.

Email For him?

I wrote an email...no expectation...just I feel so peaceful after reading my friend's quote

Happiness..

“Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfections.”

The quote above was taken from my friend's facebook status and it caught my eye for it. That quote somehow right. We are all looking for happiness. I have been trying to find reasons to be happy. What things which make me happy ( especially for my soul )?

This quote made me realize again, I don't have perfect life but yes..I definetely decide to look beyond the my imperfections life! Thanks Wid for the quote!

Different Perspective

Once I read a quote like this : You can't change your life but you can change your perspective about life.

A different perspective! Hmm..what's this? Life can't be changed, sometimes we create that life. Well, if I look at myself after the break up, I'd say it's massively sucks. And takes a courage to see this matter in different perspective.

What's my perspective now? Things happens for a reason. That was my first initial realization. Then comes there must something I can learn from this.

And my perspective towards this break up is totally change. I begin to accept this my learning process. Learning to let go, learning to be stronger, train myself for what coming next, learning to be a fighter, the list can go on and on and on...but most important lesson, I learn to forgive.

After looking in different perspective, then it's not so bad after all. At least it eases the pain, I still think about him though but in good way..well it's his loss anyway....I deserve better.

So damn proud of myself....*big smile*

Behind every difficult person you meet, there's always lesson to be learned

It's Not Easy

Though I have found peace, does not mean I don't miss him..I DO !!!! It's not easy to forget someone when we still have feelings.

To fall in love is awfully simple, but to fall out of love is simply awful.A life with love will have some thorns, but a life without love will have no roses.Reject your sense of injury and the injury itself disappears.The greatest pain that comes from love is loving someone you can never have.Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never knew.The stupidest mistake in life is thinking the one who hurt you the most, won't hurt you again.The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.Love is unconditional, relationships are not.For all sad words of tongue and pen, the saddest are these, It might have been.

I hope you know.......

Then I Found Peace...

Took about few hours later to decide I should seek comfort to the greater power : God. Bended on my knees, ask for His help and comfort. I felt peace, no more hatred, no more anger and I have forgiven him. Other than that...I have accepted the pain, accepted he's not longer mine, accepted the break up...

This where the actually journey begins.....when letting go takes practice and patience.

It takes a minute to have crush someone and a day to love someone....
But it takes a life time to forget someone

Looking Back Over My Shoulder

It's been nearly one year the time we met. If I could put a song it would be like this "you came along just like a song"..* At that time, he was the answer to my prayers...everything was perfect picture.

Until one day, the first break up happened. I lost my grip, didn't know what to do beside crying and crying. I even had some dreams about me intruding his apartment, planned any nasty revenge and yet I missed him. I missed him A LOT!! And it made me pressed his number.

Although many against it, I decided to take his offer to be his girlfriend again and life was wonderful again...well not really there were ups and downs...I heart said to let go but my emotion still holding on to hopes, which was made it so difficult.

However, even I got the heartbreaking news, I was still miss him and kept the faith. The love didn't fade away that quick. Driven by unability to let go, I texted him again.

This March, my heart knows I couldn't take this anymore so we had a little fight then I left. I was suffocated with anger and hatred. Even the word " I hate you" popped out from my mouth. I have never said that word to him.

I cried exessively trying to let out this feeling..I felt useless, ugly and all negatives.....