Oh Come On...Not Again!! Jerk!!

It was just recently that I finally made peace with the pain that this jerk gave me. My life is back to normal and I'm over him..I don't care what happen to him. And suddenly, on Sunday night ( 14/11/2010) this jerk message me through BB. Called me baby girl. At one point I'm happy because it means, opportunity opens for this jerk to return my friend's camera.

After few messages, he said this : can you keep a secret and promise not to write about it. I just agreed, nothing to expect. Then he wrote : I still love you.
That night he told me how he's been confused with his own feeling. Good thing I didn't trust him right away.

The next day, in the middle of me giving tutorial, I received a phone call from a woman and it came all they from England..where that jerk comes from. She claimed to be his girlfriend ( which I don't care and I could sense that he's seeing someone else over there ). She told me tons of facts about him. As much as I try not to care, it did ruin my mood. I had to keep myself together and be cool.
Thank God, after my tutorial I have my dance class.

At night,despite this jerk know a woman called me, he's still busy all dovey lovey with me. Telling me how he loves me. He wants to marry me blah blah.

To be honest, I really prefer not to know the details because I have gotten over him. Now I have to start all over again.

All the anger, the rage, filled my heart again. Thank God, for every storm in my life I stand in prayers. I managed to stay calm and cool.

There's still I want to get even with him..bigh time. So I wish him dead. I lied when I wish him. I DID NOT!! I try to wish him well, for my own sake, for my own heart

Oh God..I'm fuming out writing this. I just can't believe having relationship with him feels like roller coaster ride from HELL!

Give It Up To My Man.....EMINEM!!!

For today's post I was going to write about "John Tucker" again ( from now on I'm going to refer my ex fiance as John Tucker ), but after a while and since I'm listening to Eminem while I'm writing this post. So, I decided to write about Eminem and how his songs ( more to his raps ) effect my life.

Eminem is known for his rash lyrics, all his albums labeled with "Parental Advisory" but if look it carefully what's in his lyrics, it shows how being different, his struggles, ( some ) about mockery of capitalism, and being tough through all the storms. He's been always different than other rappers. He's white and he's hot *wink*

When this "John Tucker" bastard playing on me and the same time work life was not cooperating. One morning, his latest song, "Not Afraid" played on MTV. It suddenly moved me like magic. After that, I downloaded almost all his songs and never get bored listening to them through my iPod.

Eminem...you're my man!! Holla at you!! Thanks for all the inspiring lyrics.

John Tucker Must Die

The title of this post is the title of a movie as well. I can't remember what year of this movie released. I think it's more than 10 years ago. A witty funny movie.

This movie remind me of someone. A lover guy, who have hurt many women in his life, including my heart. This "John Tucker" is my ex fiance. Does he deserve to die? When your heart is fuming, you would say yes. But afterwards, you feel pity for this "John Tucker". He has nobody in his life. He might be a womanizer but he has no love. His heart is empty. He probably end up die alone.

Maybe we women, need a guy like "John Tucker"..to make us realize about love, and bumping into this kind of guy make us learn to be stronger. After my relationship ended with him, I learn so many many things.

So perhaps John Tucker not really must die and for the reasons I mentioned above there are men like John Tucker. However, men like John Tucker should learn his lessons before he checks out from this world.

Chris Brown and Ne Yo are Coming to Jakarta!!

Yep, it's been the talk of this moments by all Jakartans. Chris Brown and and Ne Yo are coming to Jakarta for concert. I bet it's going to be super awesome!! I love Chris Brown's dance and his songs!! also for Ne Yo. Both top young R&B artists are coming to Jakarta. It's something to look forward to, especially for me, I'm a hip hop chick.

HOWEVER..there's a price to pay to see them. The ticket is 750.000 rupiah, nearly 1 million rupiah which is around 70 USD. Awww....expensive. I haven't decided, on the other hand I really want to watch them in spite of the expensive ticket. I hope they are truly worth to watch!

OMG, I still can't believe they are coming. I want to see them badly.

New Lessons to be Learned

Months passed and I haven't put anything into this blog. Now, I put myself into writing again.
I was busy with my own thoughts being engaged.
Yes, I was engaged and I was happy. Now, I don't know the status..he's just gone..we haven't been talking for weeks.

Well, anyway to keep it short for the weeks and months passed I pick up new lessons and learning new things.
First, my level of letting go reaches to higher level. Secondly, the days are given to me are the days to practice my patience. I'm grateful with that.

During my days when he's ignoring me, I read lots and lots articles how to become positive, how to become affirmative and bad things happen again...and what do you know I'm ready!!

When bad things happen, I asked God..why?why?? a while later He gave me answer and He gave me clues where I should go.

Life is long journey and you get beat up along the way. You fall and get up...
Now after all what I've been through I said to God "BRING IT ON!"

1st of May

Dinner at Loewy

On the 1st May, where at that day many people chosen to have large demonstration, we the hip ladies prefer to hang out in little area called Mega Kuningan and had dinner at Loewy. Of course it filled with fun because it was Diane's birthday. It was started just from my text message to her saying happy birthday. And the result : free dinner at one of the most hip place in town.

It was all filled laughters and typical ladies's night out. Very Sex and The City (rrr...ritte ).

Being Single And...

On the way back to home from work yesterday, I met an old colleague whom I haven't seen for probably two years. After finished kissing both each other's cheeks, asked how are you stuffs then came up this question :

"Are you married?"

I paused...then with big grin I said "Nope.." She showed funny facial expression and telling me about some our friends have married. Blahh...blaaahh....*felt want to close my ears*

Thank God, it didn't take a long time to hear more stories about marriages. At home, the memory of that conversation hadn't faded then during my quite moment, I made the positives and negatives being single.

Let me start from the positves first :

• Being single is free to make own decision, without worrying your partner's feeling
  


• More time to do any hobbies or fun things


• No heartbreak


• Basically all the freedom you need in the world

And the negatives....

• Always hate to hear or answer the question above


• No partner if I want to go to the wedding


• and I dont know what else...
  

Well, I'm not a hypocrite, I'm still waiting for my significant other. But in mean time, just enjoy ( or sometimes dwelling ) for being single.

Just Not My Thing Anymore

Last Friday night, I discovered something new in my life. A little bit moving backward to few weeks back..my life was totally BORING, there was no motivation, there was nothing to look forward to.

Anywaaayyyy, as the afternoon came to the end, my friend called me for a night out. Well, I thought there was nothing wrong with it ( although I was worried with the cost of the drinks ). FORTUNATELY , it was ladies night!!! Thus, I didn't need to pay and it was all free!!!!!!!!!!!! Yay!!

Well..as my friend got too drunk, she got really annoying. She was into finding a date instead of having fun dancing with free drinks and she got too drunk!! The was awful, they need to watch MTV more often.

To sum up everything, clubbing is not my thing anymore. The night life is still the same as when I left it. Nothing new in there, as matter of fact, it's boring me more. Luckily, the drinks were free so in term of financial, there's nothing to regret. I'd curse myself if I had to pay!!

I think going to the gym, dancing or exercise or going for some retail therapy is more me than going clubbing.

Monday Morning @work' Thoughts

• Suddenly I want to become a MEAN PERSON! A really mean...a vicious one.
• I want to eat spicy and sour food.
• Craving for lamb satay
• Thinking to do something evil to someone
• Trying hard to be positive in spite of these difficulties
• I need a tree which grows money

• 
• I need HOLIDAY!!!!!! I mean real holiday..traveling to another country not just in Jakarta.
• I am SUPER BORED.....
  

Bored on Rainy Thursday

It's raining outside, filled with thunder and lightning. A perfect time to sleep, but unfortunately I have to watch my students.
Huge boredom seems to flow in my vein, and with sleepy eyes I'm pretending to be busy in front of my laptop.

But hey, what do you know, the drowsiness brought me into wild ideas of writing. A newborn blog will be coming soon. I'm visualising the concept and the content of the blog. It will be in my own mother tongue,will be about the daily life experience, me commenting the happening issues around here.

Boredom can be a reason to be creative....sometimes....sometimes....:)

My Visa Application Being Refused???? WHat theee,..

Well another thing didn't go like I expected..my visa to UK been refused. I have big expectation to visit uk and meet my significant other. I couldn't believe it, I wanted to scream...."WHAAATTTTT????" I just want to meet my boyfriend, I dont have any intention to stay there..!!

And at this moment, he's busy travelling because of his work. He probably wont make it in time to come here for photographic proof.

I can't blame the visa officer, it's his job to decline my visa application because it's not convincing enough.

I'm trying to accept this issue but...I CAN NOT!!! I've been longing to go. And it was just one more thing to go...the visa..and it's being REFUSED...:(((

Still want to go...still praying that miracle will happen...

Untitled

Times really flies..there are ups and downs
Been very busy these days. Many thoughts but can't express it in a writing. I prefer to doodle on a piece of paper and throw it away.

Sorry God..

I'm sorry for not believe you these couple of days
I'm sorry for not being so grateful
I'm for mad at you of what happened, considered you are not fair..
But I can't help it..I'm only human..

Sometimes, I just want to give up, quit the figh, because I'm tired..
I look for your help and sometimes it doesnt go my way..I get sad and frustrasted..

I can only say sorry for now, I still believe you are exist..but at this moment..I don't care if I go to hell, I just want to be sad now...sorry if I'm just a sinner

I Can't..

Sometimes it's very tiring to get beat up..
It's very tiring even just motivating myself to move on..sometimes I just want to stop.

Accepting

Things come and go
Some things they are kept for years, some just last for days, months
People come and go
Some stay with me, some gone...

When things are not going as I want them to be. It is sad but the only best thing I can do is be grateful of what I have now.

Making It Come True

Success starts from a dream. Now I have dreams, loads of them. But, as they always say, to be successful, can't just dream it, but need to do it. And that's I'm doing right now. It seems a very,very,very long road, bet it's going to be a bumpy ride. I'm not afraid and I'm taking it one step at a time.

Wishing myself a luck

Another One...

When I'm reading articles about letting go, denial and anything that will help to go through this letting go process.

I often complain how my life is unfair, how difficult it is just let him go, how he always has the right thing to say or to do to get what he wants and many more. I thought that time I was able to let go him, yes....but not 100%. And I'm not ready for it. The worse thing he knows I'm not ready and he takes advantage for it. Yet, I'm still foolishly in love with him.

As for work, it's not come easy as well. I faced some failures, although I have accepted the truth and being grateful that I have learned a valuable lesson. All the failures make me learn, make me to be more prepared for the next challenge in life. However, sometimes, I'm still sad why I didn't make it.

But when I was browsing, I found this interesting quote :

Life is not a success-only journey. You're going to get beat up along the way

This make me realize, nothing comes easy. Although I have overcome bitter moments, passed
( what seems ) the tests in life, and when I thought I have succeeded and there won't be more obstacles...I was wrong.....

It's journey full of struggle,tears, sacrifice, happiness, laughter, sorrow,joy until the time is come to meet the creator of life, God. It's like a game, once succeed to first level, up to the next level until the whole levels finish.

Now, I know..I'm going to be up along the way and all the obstacles in life are nothing beside my "ammunition" to keep fighting in this life.

Denial

These days I'm aware at this moment I'm on denial and this has been cycling through my life. The facts are there in front of my eyes. He has shown himself of what he is. Yet, I'm still standing here waiting in certainty. I'm not accepting the truths and the worse part is I haven't been able letting him go.

The more I try to let go, the more I grow hopes of him and the more I'm running back to him.
Be honest, I'm frustrated with this kind of feeling.
I know holding on to him, always running to him it's nothing but hurt me more. I know that!!! But how to let go? How do I stop from denying things ?

I have made peace with him, I have forgiven him for all the pain he caused. But when I forgave him, I love him more...Oh My God!!!

When I have the courage, the strength to let go...he always knows what to say or what to do.
How cruel is that?

It was...

Everyday text without absence
Phone calls, your voice is like water in oasis
Flowers and stuffs...treated me like a princess
You are
But it was then..

Now, there's no more of that
Seems that we go to the different path

I can only pray, when your heart will open, your eyes will see...

And Then A Hero Comes Along

And then a hero comes along
With the strength to carry on
And you cast the fears aside
And you know you can survive

So when you feel like the hope is gone
Look inside and be strong
That you'll finally see the truth
That a hero lies in you

A beautiful lyric from Mariah Carey "Hero"