Random Thoughts for Today

Wednesday is my day off from work and I don't feel like to give tutorial today, to be even make me more lazy is the weather. It has been raining since last night. I'm trying to get back to sleep although it's already 10.30 AM.

So, here I am, with my mug of coffee, my favorite cookies; my mind start to wander. First stop, is the topic in online newspaper; a teenager committed suicide. The interesting part is this kid comes from a wealthy family. He supposed to go to college next January in one of best universities in Australia. He has bright future in front of him and why would he kill himself? To be honest, committing suicide had ever occurred in my mind. But comparing to this boy, my life was a big mess. However, I managed to live until this day. Finished reading the news, I realized the teenager suicide is a true example how money is not a guarantee for happiness. Being wealthy and got accepted in a reputable university don't make somebody strong to face the reality. Or..I don't know...people have their own ways to overcome their problems. But, it's a shame ending your life without Allah's will. Maybe if I could say to him..if you would just hang on for a little while, maybe things would be different.

My second thought; now stop in my guilty pleasure : BURGER KING!! I can't believe my workplace is just 1 minute away from Burger King. After weeks and weeks of trying not to get tempted to have the burger, my wall of defense fell down. I couldn't resist to try their new menu : Angry Angus with jalapeno and cheese. How was it? It was GOOD!!! DIVINE!! It tastes better than Big Whopper. Well, it's guilty pleasure indeed. Then during my break, I had body combat class, so at least the fatty part of angry angus didn't stay for long.



Next is, my picture in new work place, it's almost a month now and I haven't told what is it like. My new job is as Personal Tutor at Wall Street Institute of English. Fairly new in Jakarta, but it's a big and well known english institution . Very easy job, the level stress is not high and the best part is the payment is pretty good. With this new job, I have more time to focus on practicing my writing skill. The company allows me to join the writing workshop, allows me to have my "me" time sit in the front of my netbook to write. And by the way, one of the teachers here is also a journalist, so I learn a lot from him. Am I the luckiest woman on earth or what?

Well that's all my random thoughts for today. I'm person with full of thoughts and they can be anything.

Happy Christmas, Happy Time @ Central Park

It's Christmas Day, and of course I don't have to go to work. Luckily, there is special Christmas class at Celebrity Fitness Central Park : 2.5 hours of dancing class!! The dress code is of course all about Christmas. BTW, I don't celebrate Christmas but it's always fun to join the hype! With my awesome dance mate Mega, we traveled all the way to western part of Jakarta. And it's all worth it! The class was super fun, great choreography and great people there. Now..I can't wait to have another special class for New Year still at Celebrity Fitness Central Park.

The Pictures are in random order...2.5 hours of dancing surely tiring!! and we were busy taking pictures.

among the presents

Front of gigantic christmas tree

@dance studio

big posers!

Stolen presents

Yo!!!

locker's poser

Always Workout Always Happy!!!

Posing before Body Pump class

Yeaappp...don't think I'm just sitting around, sobbing, regretting what had happened..ohh noooo....I'm not like that and I'm not pretending to be happy. I'm REALLY happy because I'm surrounded with good friends and positive people. Working out is one of the things that often take my sorrow away. I love the endorphin rush running through my vein. Here are mobile photos as real proof. I love my gym time at FX.

Almost time for Body Pump!

Having my plates,bar, and step ready for Body Pump class

A Bag Full of Happines : Don't Know Why I'm Happy

Wowww...this is good right? Feeling happy without reason. It just in me. I'm feeling happy, excited and all the positive feelings.

It's been just less than a month, I joined Wallstreet Institute but I like the atmosphere so far. Only few staff who are seems ignorance. But,m I don't bother. It's less stressful in my new place. I have more time to do writing workshop ( the institute provides it for free !! ) . I have new friends at the gym now. Well...since my gym hour is changed to morning, so I found good friendship with some members who usually come in the morning. The great part is, some of them are also studying in the place where I teach. So cool huh?

Ok..what else? what else that make me feel happy now...hmmm..maybe because I go to the gym more often now. More endorphine produced. Thatsn good...hmmm...what else ya??

So far only those reasons above make me happy....yeaaahhh I'm happy!!!!

With Allah is Whom I Want To Be With

I'm very touched with one of Sami Yusuf's song called : You Came To Me ( I put the lyric in the previous post ). The song really makes me cry, not cry for sadness but cry how great Allah is. How kind Allah is. How I'm just small as dust in front of Him. How I'm just weak human being without You. How I'm just nothing in this world with You.

When I feel hopeless, He gives me hope through prayers Man's way leads to hopeless end, Allah's way leads to endless hope

When other human beings betray me, He always around

When reason reaches its peak and the souls of His lovers feel helpless and disabled, they grow restless and stretch their hands in supplication, seeking comfort for their burning souls. When every manner of search within their power has been consumed, the doorway to Him is opened.

- Al-Hujwiri, "The Kashf al-Mahjub"

When other human beings hurt me, He heals me

When other human beings break their promises, He keeps His Promises

When other human beings turn their love, He loves me always

Allah kindles the fire of love in the hearts of the chosen, so that their carnal selves are consumed. Once ignited the fire of longing never dies. That is the flame about which the Prophet said, "When Allah wills the good of his servant, He kindles a light of faith in his heart."

When they asked him what were the signs of that fire, he replied, "Deviation from the abode of vanity; progression toward the Eternal."

- Abu Sa'id, "Rabi'a the Mystic"

When other human beings find forgive is hard to do, He forgives my sins

He who transgresses or wrongs his own soul but then turns to Allah seeking forgiveness shall find Allah Forgiving, Merciful.

- Qur'an, An-Nisa, Surah 4:11

Praise to you yaa Allah....Allah Akbar
You are my creator, thus to You I shall return

Please Let Me Enjoy My Peace. Please Don't Open My Scar

This blog is my personal point of view. There are posts about my anger, and posts how I calm down. This is my diary, the ride of my life. The storms I had in life and how I overcome it. Inspiration mostly comes from John Tucker, although not in good way.

Three months of struggle. Getting out the pain in the chest. Holding back the rage. Trying to smile even though it was very aching. I couldn't breath because of the pain.
With tears and in silence I talked to Allah. HE prevented me of doing destructive things to John Tucker, although I could destroy his life. HE helped me to be strong. HE showed me the way.

Yesterday's post about my old scar being opened again. It was accident and I thought I was ready. But I'm not ready. Every time his name being spoken, the pain comes back. The rage bursted out.

It's good for me that I'm left alone with my own peace, my own life. I'm putting my life back, breathing the air. Please don't remind me of him in any way. It's toxicating for me and slowing down my healing process.

103rd Post

Heyy...I didn't realize this is my 103rd post. I'm such productive writer today. What's the trigger?
Well, I have no idea why that english woman called me again. Somehow, she opened the old scar back. Which I don't need. I have struggled overcome the pain that John Tucker caused me. Now, because of her the flashes of his evil, the beast, heartless stuff he did to me came back. Struggling from the start again. So, I decided to delete her name from my BB. I just want to live in peace.

Luckily, the first bright side is I'm now again closer to Allah, having my faith thickened again. Allah always has HIS magical hands to help me. Again, one blessed woman. And while browsing in YouTube, I found english nasheed singer, Sami Yusuf and wow... he's very handsome.

Another good thing is, because I really need diversion from the pain, I put my thoughts in my blog. It will take few days again to remove the pain. With Allah's help I'm sure I will get through this.

You Came To me

Again, music plays important role in my life. I stumble upon to this guy while I searched more about Asmaul Husa Dzikir. Due to technical reason, I couldn't upload the related video. Just search for Sami Yusuf on YouTube. But in here, I'm just showing the lyric :

You came to me in that hour of need
When I was so lost, so lonely
You came to me took my breath away
Showed me the right way, the way to lead

You filled my heart with love
Showed me the light above
Now all I want Is to be with you

You are my one true love
Taught me to never judge
Now all I want Is to be with you

CHORUS (x2): ALLAHUMA! Sal 'ala Sayideena Mustafa
'Alaa Habeebika Nabieeka Mustafa
(O God! Send Your Blessings upon our leader, the chosen one (Muhammad (peace upon him))
Upon Your Beloved, Your Prophet, the chosen one)

You came to me in a time of despair
I called on you, you were there
Without You what would my life mean?
To not know the unseen, the worlds between

For you I'd sacrifice
For you I'd give my life
Anything, just to be with you

I feel so lost at times
By all the hurt and lies
Now all I want Is to be with you

Showed right from wrong
Taught me to be strong
Need you more than ever
Ya Rasul ALLAH (O Messenger of God (Muhammad (peace be upon him))

You came to me
In that hour of need
Need you more than ever
Ya Rasul ALLAH

You filled my heart with love
Showed me the light above
Now all I want is to be with you

You are my one true love
Taught me to never judge
Now all I want Is to be with you

I cried to tears listened to this song. Praise to Allah The Almighty. Subhanallah, Allahu Akbar

Praise to Allah The Most Glorious and The Most Merciful

“I asked God for strength that I might achieve. I was made weak that I might learn humbly to obey. I asked for health that I might do greater things. I was given infirmity that I might do better things. I asked for riches that I might be happy. I was given poverty that I might be wise. I asked for power that I might have the praise of men. I was given weakness that I might feel the need of God. I asked for all things that I might enjoy life. I was given life that I might enjoy all things. I got nothing that I asked for, but everything I hoped for. Almost despite myself, my unspoken prayers were answered. I am, among all men, most richly blessed.”

-anonymous-

Early January 2009, John Tucker betrayed me for second time. My heart sank but I found my lost love to Allah. I praised Him, asked for greater help. I found peace within. Afterwards, my love for Him never fade.

Last August, he betrayed me again. BIG TIME! There's no choice beside turning to Allah. This time I prayed big. In silence I talk to Him. He touched my soul once again. Whenever my heart in pain I praise Him with His beautiful names.

His beautiful names called Asmaul Husna. He has 99 names. But the names I most reiterate are :
- Yaa Rahman = The Most Merciful
So He will give me His Mercy for the sins I have done

- Yaa Rahiim = The most Compassionate
So He will always loves me

- Yaa Sabuur = The most Patient, the Enduring
So He will give me patience that I need to face all the troubles

- Yaa Wadud = The Affectionate, the Loving
So I will always be loved by Him, surround with Love.

I love Allah, there's no God but He. To Him I lay my life.

Ultimate Peace !!

Yeah I should have written about my ultimate peace a long time ago. But I've been busy. So this is the time.

Yeah, I proudly announce *dancing with joy* that I have reached my ultimate peace. Yes it's ultimate peace. I stop missing him. No more tears. No more drama. No more crawling back at him. My life is soooooooooooooooo much better without him around. So much much better. I feel so light like a feather, flying. I'm alive again. My life is wonderful without him. All my friends are very happy that I'm no longer with him.

So far no relationship..I'm not in hurry though. I'm enjoying my moment, living to the fullest. Life is too short just regretting John Tucker. I'm free from evil person like him, heartless, full of lies, deceits. I'm very happy I'm FREE !! I'm living in peace.