Random Thoughts for Today

Wednesday is my day off from work and I don't feel like to give tutorial today, to be even make me more lazy is the weather. It has been raining since last night. I'm trying to get back to sleep although it's already 10.30 AM.

So, here I am, with my mug of coffee, my favorite cookies; my mind start to wander. First stop, is the topic in online newspaper; a teenager committed suicide. The interesting part is this kid comes from a wealthy family. He supposed to go to college next January in one of best universities in Australia. He has bright future in front of him and why would he kill himself? To be honest, committing suicide had ever occurred in my mind. But comparing to this boy, my life was a big mess. However, I managed to live until this day. Finished reading the news, I realized the teenager suicide is a true example how money is not a guarantee for happiness. Being wealthy and got accepted in a reputable university don't make somebody strong to face the reality. Or..I don't know...people have their own ways to overcome their problems. But, it's a shame ending your life without Allah's will. Maybe if I could say to him..if you would just hang on for a little while, maybe things would be different.

My second thought; now stop in my guilty pleasure : BURGER KING!! I can't believe my workplace is just 1 minute away from Burger King. After weeks and weeks of trying not to get tempted to have the burger, my wall of defense fell down. I couldn't resist to try their new menu : Angry Angus with jalapeno and cheese. How was it? It was GOOD!!! DIVINE!! It tastes better than Big Whopper. Well, it's guilty pleasure indeed. Then during my break, I had body combat class, so at least the fatty part of angry angus didn't stay for long.



Next is, my picture in new work place, it's almost a month now and I haven't told what is it like. My new job is as Personal Tutor at Wall Street Institute of English. Fairly new in Jakarta, but it's a big and well known english institution . Very easy job, the level stress is not high and the best part is the payment is pretty good. With this new job, I have more time to focus on practicing my writing skill. The company allows me to join the writing workshop, allows me to have my "me" time sit in the front of my netbook to write. And by the way, one of the teachers here is also a journalist, so I learn a lot from him. Am I the luckiest woman on earth or what?

Well that's all my random thoughts for today. I'm person with full of thoughts and they can be anything.

Happy Christmas, Happy Time @ Central Park

It's Christmas Day, and of course I don't have to go to work. Luckily, there is special Christmas class at Celebrity Fitness Central Park : 2.5 hours of dancing class!! The dress code is of course all about Christmas. BTW, I don't celebrate Christmas but it's always fun to join the hype! With my awesome dance mate Mega, we traveled all the way to western part of Jakarta. And it's all worth it! The class was super fun, great choreography and great people there. Now..I can't wait to have another special class for New Year still at Celebrity Fitness Central Park.

The Pictures are in random order...2.5 hours of dancing surely tiring!! and we were busy taking pictures.

among the presents

Front of gigantic christmas tree

@dance studio

big posers!

Stolen presents

Yo!!!

locker's poser

Always Workout Always Happy!!!

Posing before Body Pump class

Yeaappp...don't think I'm just sitting around, sobbing, regretting what had happened..ohh noooo....I'm not like that and I'm not pretending to be happy. I'm REALLY happy because I'm surrounded with good friends and positive people. Working out is one of the things that often take my sorrow away. I love the endorphin rush running through my vein. Here are mobile photos as real proof. I love my gym time at FX.

Almost time for Body Pump!

Having my plates,bar, and step ready for Body Pump class

A Bag Full of Happines : Don't Know Why I'm Happy

Wowww...this is good right? Feeling happy without reason. It just in me. I'm feeling happy, excited and all the positive feelings.

It's been just less than a month, I joined Wallstreet Institute but I like the atmosphere so far. Only few staff who are seems ignorance. But,m I don't bother. It's less stressful in my new place. I have more time to do writing workshop ( the institute provides it for free !! ) . I have new friends at the gym now. Well...since my gym hour is changed to morning, so I found good friendship with some members who usually come in the morning. The great part is, some of them are also studying in the place where I teach. So cool huh?

Ok..what else? what else that make me feel happy now...hmmm..maybe because I go to the gym more often now. More endorphine produced. Thatsn good...hmmm...what else ya??

So far only those reasons above make me happy....yeaaahhh I'm happy!!!!

With Allah is Whom I Want To Be With

I'm very touched with one of Sami Yusuf's song called : You Came To Me ( I put the lyric in the previous post ). The song really makes me cry, not cry for sadness but cry how great Allah is. How kind Allah is. How I'm just small as dust in front of Him. How I'm just weak human being without You. How I'm just nothing in this world with You.

When I feel hopeless, He gives me hope through prayers Man's way leads to hopeless end, Allah's way leads to endless hope

When other human beings betray me, He always around

When reason reaches its peak and the souls of His lovers feel helpless and disabled, they grow restless and stretch their hands in supplication, seeking comfort for their burning souls. When every manner of search within their power has been consumed, the doorway to Him is opened.

- Al-Hujwiri, "The Kashf al-Mahjub"

When other human beings hurt me, He heals me

When other human beings break their promises, He keeps His Promises

When other human beings turn their love, He loves me always

Allah kindles the fire of love in the hearts of the chosen, so that their carnal selves are consumed. Once ignited the fire of longing never dies. That is the flame about which the Prophet said, "When Allah wills the good of his servant, He kindles a light of faith in his heart."

When they asked him what were the signs of that fire, he replied, "Deviation from the abode of vanity; progression toward the Eternal."

- Abu Sa'id, "Rabi'a the Mystic"

When other human beings find forgive is hard to do, He forgives my sins

He who transgresses or wrongs his own soul but then turns to Allah seeking forgiveness shall find Allah Forgiving, Merciful.

- Qur'an, An-Nisa, Surah 4:11

Praise to you yaa Allah....Allah Akbar
You are my creator, thus to You I shall return

Please Let Me Enjoy My Peace. Please Don't Open My Scar

This blog is my personal point of view. There are posts about my anger, and posts how I calm down. This is my diary, the ride of my life. The storms I had in life and how I overcome it. Inspiration mostly comes from John Tucker, although not in good way.

Three months of struggle. Getting out the pain in the chest. Holding back the rage. Trying to smile even though it was very aching. I couldn't breath because of the pain.
With tears and in silence I talked to Allah. HE prevented me of doing destructive things to John Tucker, although I could destroy his life. HE helped me to be strong. HE showed me the way.

Yesterday's post about my old scar being opened again. It was accident and I thought I was ready. But I'm not ready. Every time his name being spoken, the pain comes back. The rage bursted out.

It's good for me that I'm left alone with my own peace, my own life. I'm putting my life back, breathing the air. Please don't remind me of him in any way. It's toxicating for me and slowing down my healing process.

103rd Post

Heyy...I didn't realize this is my 103rd post. I'm such productive writer today. What's the trigger?
Well, I have no idea why that english woman called me again. Somehow, she opened the old scar back. Which I don't need. I have struggled overcome the pain that John Tucker caused me. Now, because of her the flashes of his evil, the beast, heartless stuff he did to me came back. Struggling from the start again. So, I decided to delete her name from my BB. I just want to live in peace.

Luckily, the first bright side is I'm now again closer to Allah, having my faith thickened again. Allah always has HIS magical hands to help me. Again, one blessed woman. And while browsing in YouTube, I found english nasheed singer, Sami Yusuf and wow... he's very handsome.

Another good thing is, because I really need diversion from the pain, I put my thoughts in my blog. It will take few days again to remove the pain. With Allah's help I'm sure I will get through this.

You Came To me

Again, music plays important role in my life. I stumble upon to this guy while I searched more about Asmaul Husa Dzikir. Due to technical reason, I couldn't upload the related video. Just search for Sami Yusuf on YouTube. But in here, I'm just showing the lyric :

You came to me in that hour of need
When I was so lost, so lonely
You came to me took my breath away
Showed me the right way, the way to lead

You filled my heart with love
Showed me the light above
Now all I want Is to be with you

You are my one true love
Taught me to never judge
Now all I want Is to be with you

CHORUS (x2): ALLAHUMA! Sal 'ala Sayideena Mustafa
'Alaa Habeebika Nabieeka Mustafa
(O God! Send Your Blessings upon our leader, the chosen one (Muhammad (peace upon him))
Upon Your Beloved, Your Prophet, the chosen one)

You came to me in a time of despair
I called on you, you were there
Without You what would my life mean?
To not know the unseen, the worlds between

For you I'd sacrifice
For you I'd give my life
Anything, just to be with you

I feel so lost at times
By all the hurt and lies
Now all I want Is to be with you

Showed right from wrong
Taught me to be strong
Need you more than ever
Ya Rasul ALLAH (O Messenger of God (Muhammad (peace be upon him))

You came to me
In that hour of need
Need you more than ever
Ya Rasul ALLAH

You filled my heart with love
Showed me the light above
Now all I want is to be with you

You are my one true love
Taught me to never judge
Now all I want Is to be with you

I cried to tears listened to this song. Praise to Allah The Almighty. Subhanallah, Allahu Akbar

Praise to Allah The Most Glorious and The Most Merciful

“I asked God for strength that I might achieve. I was made weak that I might learn humbly to obey. I asked for health that I might do greater things. I was given infirmity that I might do better things. I asked for riches that I might be happy. I was given poverty that I might be wise. I asked for power that I might have the praise of men. I was given weakness that I might feel the need of God. I asked for all things that I might enjoy life. I was given life that I might enjoy all things. I got nothing that I asked for, but everything I hoped for. Almost despite myself, my unspoken prayers were answered. I am, among all men, most richly blessed.”

-anonymous-

Early January 2009, John Tucker betrayed me for second time. My heart sank but I found my lost love to Allah. I praised Him, asked for greater help. I found peace within. Afterwards, my love for Him never fade.

Last August, he betrayed me again. BIG TIME! There's no choice beside turning to Allah. This time I prayed big. In silence I talk to Him. He touched my soul once again. Whenever my heart in pain I praise Him with His beautiful names.

His beautiful names called Asmaul Husna. He has 99 names. But the names I most reiterate are :
- Yaa Rahman = The Most Merciful
So He will give me His Mercy for the sins I have done

- Yaa Rahiim = The most Compassionate
So He will always loves me

- Yaa Sabuur = The most Patient, the Enduring
So He will give me patience that I need to face all the troubles

- Yaa Wadud = The Affectionate, the Loving
So I will always be loved by Him, surround with Love.

I love Allah, there's no God but He. To Him I lay my life.

Ultimate Peace !!

Yeah I should have written about my ultimate peace a long time ago. But I've been busy. So this is the time.

Yeah, I proudly announce *dancing with joy* that I have reached my ultimate peace. Yes it's ultimate peace. I stop missing him. No more tears. No more drama. No more crawling back at him. My life is soooooooooooooooo much better without him around. So much much better. I feel so light like a feather, flying. I'm alive again. My life is wonderful without him. All my friends are very happy that I'm no longer with him.

So far no relationship..I'm not in hurry though. I'm enjoying my moment, living to the fullest. Life is too short just regretting John Tucker. I'm free from evil person like him, heartless, full of lies, deceits. I'm very happy I'm FREE !! I'm living in peace.

SMILE...

Music really influences me how I live my life and watching Glee is one of my favorites. Here's one song I really like. The melody soothes me. The lyric very easy to understand and beautiful. This song also help me getting through my sorrow.

This song originally sang by Charlie Chaplin. Without further a do, here's the lyric :

SMILE

Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though it's breaking.
When there are clouds in the sky
you'll get by.

If you smile through your pain and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun shining through
For you.


Light up your face with gladness,
Hide every trace of sadness.
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying.
You'll find that life is still worthwhile-
If you just smile.

Is It New Year Already?

loving my new hair!! not only my hair is new..I'm embracing changes

Yeahhhhh..!! Whoopp..whoopp...I don't know why, I'm feeling like New Year already. Everything is new in 40 days before new year. New hair, new work, new skill, new people I'm dealing with, new routine and (hopefully) new relationship. Not just that, I'm putting new attitude. I have new life lies a head, and I know I'm going through to it no matter what. Because I'm a survivor. I'm smiling back to the world.

In middle of August my life was like a bitch, time went by, day, week and month went by, cold and hot weather. I made it. My life that was shattered because of John Tucker, slowly back to its places. I've got a new job where the location is the same area as in my gym ( very cool ).

Some people wait for new year to make changes, to make differences in life. But..DON'T wait!! Make changes now! Don't be afraid with changes and you'll feel new year earlier than anybody else!

Good or Bad, I Stand in Prayers

In my previous post,I was fuming out. It was not a right time to write anything. Two days have passed, I used my time to pray. Didn't take a long time that anger disappear.

I'm a true believer of praying. My prayer might not be granted straight away, but by praying I feel peace, one burden lifted up, like magic.

Praying builds up my positive perspective,brings hope, take me out from the dark. Four months ago, my life was falling part. I resigned from job, John Tucker cheated on me, my tutorial saved my financial problem. I couldn't breath easily. Praying was only I could do. Each day, each morning, each night, I prayed and prayed ( somehow being jobless made me have more time to pray ). I prayed for strength to face my problems, my sorrow.

Takes a while to put my life back together. Now, my life is back to its place. I got the job which I'm dreaming of. My new environment is very positive.

Two days ago, my anger towards John Tucker really filled my heart. Through prayers, I was easy to let go him. It was easy to make peace with him.

I don't know, what's in John Tucker's mind. But I pray, hoping God will make him realize the pain I've had gone through. I've done my part, let God do the rest. It's up to HIM what HE's going to do with John Tucker.

Whatever it's going to happen or what happened, I stand in prayers.

Oh Come On...Not Again!! Jerk!!

It was just recently that I finally made peace with the pain that this jerk gave me. My life is back to normal and I'm over him..I don't care what happen to him. And suddenly, on Sunday night ( 14/11/2010) this jerk message me through BB. Called me baby girl. At one point I'm happy because it means, opportunity opens for this jerk to return my friend's camera.

After few messages, he said this : can you keep a secret and promise not to write about it. I just agreed, nothing to expect. Then he wrote : I still love you.
That night he told me how he's been confused with his own feeling. Good thing I didn't trust him right away.

The next day, in the middle of me giving tutorial, I received a phone call from a woman and it came all they from England..where that jerk comes from. She claimed to be his girlfriend ( which I don't care and I could sense that he's seeing someone else over there ). She told me tons of facts about him. As much as I try not to care, it did ruin my mood. I had to keep myself together and be cool.
Thank God, after my tutorial I have my dance class.

At night,despite this jerk know a woman called me, he's still busy all dovey lovey with me. Telling me how he loves me. He wants to marry me blah blah.

To be honest, I really prefer not to know the details because I have gotten over him. Now I have to start all over again.

All the anger, the rage, filled my heart again. Thank God, for every storm in my life I stand in prayers. I managed to stay calm and cool.

There's still I want to get even with him..bigh time. So I wish him dead. I lied when I wish him. I DID NOT!! I try to wish him well, for my own sake, for my own heart

Oh God..I'm fuming out writing this. I just can't believe having relationship with him feels like roller coaster ride from HELL!

Give It Up To My Man.....EMINEM!!!

For today's post I was going to write about "John Tucker" again ( from now on I'm going to refer my ex fiance as John Tucker ), but after a while and since I'm listening to Eminem while I'm writing this post. So, I decided to write about Eminem and how his songs ( more to his raps ) effect my life.

Eminem is known for his rash lyrics, all his albums labeled with "Parental Advisory" but if look it carefully what's in his lyrics, it shows how being different, his struggles, ( some ) about mockery of capitalism, and being tough through all the storms. He's been always different than other rappers. He's white and he's hot *wink*

When this "John Tucker" bastard playing on me and the same time work life was not cooperating. One morning, his latest song, "Not Afraid" played on MTV. It suddenly moved me like magic. After that, I downloaded almost all his songs and never get bored listening to them through my iPod.

Eminem...you're my man!! Holla at you!! Thanks for all the inspiring lyrics.

John Tucker Must Die

The title of this post is the title of a movie as well. I can't remember what year of this movie released. I think it's more than 10 years ago. A witty funny movie.

This movie remind me of someone. A lover guy, who have hurt many women in his life, including my heart. This "John Tucker" is my ex fiance. Does he deserve to die? When your heart is fuming, you would say yes. But afterwards, you feel pity for this "John Tucker". He has nobody in his life. He might be a womanizer but he has no love. His heart is empty. He probably end up die alone.

Maybe we women, need a guy like "John Tucker"..to make us realize about love, and bumping into this kind of guy make us learn to be stronger. After my relationship ended with him, I learn so many many things.

So perhaps John Tucker not really must die and for the reasons I mentioned above there are men like John Tucker. However, men like John Tucker should learn his lessons before he checks out from this world.

Chris Brown and Ne Yo are Coming to Jakarta!!

Yep, it's been the talk of this moments by all Jakartans. Chris Brown and and Ne Yo are coming to Jakarta for concert. I bet it's going to be super awesome!! I love Chris Brown's dance and his songs!! also for Ne Yo. Both top young R&B artists are coming to Jakarta. It's something to look forward to, especially for me, I'm a hip hop chick.

HOWEVER..there's a price to pay to see them. The ticket is 750.000 rupiah, nearly 1 million rupiah which is around 70 USD. Awww....expensive. I haven't decided, on the other hand I really want to watch them in spite of the expensive ticket. I hope they are truly worth to watch!

OMG, I still can't believe they are coming. I want to see them badly.

New Lessons to be Learned

Months passed and I haven't put anything into this blog. Now, I put myself into writing again.
I was busy with my own thoughts being engaged.
Yes, I was engaged and I was happy. Now, I don't know the status..he's just gone..we haven't been talking for weeks.

Well, anyway to keep it short for the weeks and months passed I pick up new lessons and learning new things.
First, my level of letting go reaches to higher level. Secondly, the days are given to me are the days to practice my patience. I'm grateful with that.

During my days when he's ignoring me, I read lots and lots articles how to become positive, how to become affirmative and bad things happen again...and what do you know I'm ready!!

When bad things happen, I asked God..why?why?? a while later He gave me answer and He gave me clues where I should go.

Life is long journey and you get beat up along the way. You fall and get up...
Now after all what I've been through I said to God "BRING IT ON!"

1st of May

Dinner at Loewy

On the 1st May, where at that day many people chosen to have large demonstration, we the hip ladies prefer to hang out in little area called Mega Kuningan and had dinner at Loewy. Of course it filled with fun because it was Diane's birthday. It was started just from my text message to her saying happy birthday. And the result : free dinner at one of the most hip place in town.

It was all filled laughters and typical ladies's night out. Very Sex and The City (rrr...ritte ).

Being Single And...

On the way back to home from work yesterday, I met an old colleague whom I haven't seen for probably two years. After finished kissing both each other's cheeks, asked how are you stuffs then came up this question :

"Are you married?"

I paused...then with big grin I said "Nope.." She showed funny facial expression and telling me about some our friends have married. Blahh...blaaahh....*felt want to close my ears*

Thank God, it didn't take a long time to hear more stories about marriages. At home, the memory of that conversation hadn't faded then during my quite moment, I made the positives and negatives being single.

Let me start from the positves first :

• Being single is free to make own decision, without worrying your partner's feeling
  


• More time to do any hobbies or fun things


• No heartbreak


• Basically all the freedom you need in the world

And the negatives....

• Always hate to hear or answer the question above


• No partner if I want to go to the wedding


• and I dont know what else...
  

Well, I'm not a hypocrite, I'm still waiting for my significant other. But in mean time, just enjoy ( or sometimes dwelling ) for being single.

Just Not My Thing Anymore

Last Friday night, I discovered something new in my life. A little bit moving backward to few weeks back..my life was totally BORING, there was no motivation, there was nothing to look forward to.

Anywaaayyyy, as the afternoon came to the end, my friend called me for a night out. Well, I thought there was nothing wrong with it ( although I was worried with the cost of the drinks ). FORTUNATELY , it was ladies night!!! Thus, I didn't need to pay and it was all free!!!!!!!!!!!! Yay!!

Well..as my friend got too drunk, she got really annoying. She was into finding a date instead of having fun dancing with free drinks and she got too drunk!! The was awful, they need to watch MTV more often.

To sum up everything, clubbing is not my thing anymore. The night life is still the same as when I left it. Nothing new in there, as matter of fact, it's boring me more. Luckily, the drinks were free so in term of financial, there's nothing to regret. I'd curse myself if I had to pay!!

I think going to the gym, dancing or exercise or going for some retail therapy is more me than going clubbing.

Monday Morning @work' Thoughts

• Suddenly I want to become a MEAN PERSON! A really mean...a vicious one.
• I want to eat spicy and sour food.
• Craving for lamb satay
• Thinking to do something evil to someone
• Trying hard to be positive in spite of these difficulties
• I need a tree which grows money

• 
• I need HOLIDAY!!!!!! I mean real holiday..traveling to another country not just in Jakarta.
• I am SUPER BORED.....
  

Bored on Rainy Thursday

It's raining outside, filled with thunder and lightning. A perfect time to sleep, but unfortunately I have to watch my students.
Huge boredom seems to flow in my vein, and with sleepy eyes I'm pretending to be busy in front of my laptop.

But hey, what do you know, the drowsiness brought me into wild ideas of writing. A newborn blog will be coming soon. I'm visualising the concept and the content of the blog. It will be in my own mother tongue,will be about the daily life experience, me commenting the happening issues around here.

Boredom can be a reason to be creative....sometimes....sometimes....:)

My Visa Application Being Refused???? WHat theee,..

Well another thing didn't go like I expected..my visa to UK been refused. I have big expectation to visit uk and meet my significant other. I couldn't believe it, I wanted to scream...."WHAAATTTTT????" I just want to meet my boyfriend, I dont have any intention to stay there..!!

And at this moment, he's busy travelling because of his work. He probably wont make it in time to come here for photographic proof.

I can't blame the visa officer, it's his job to decline my visa application because it's not convincing enough.

I'm trying to accept this issue but...I CAN NOT!!! I've been longing to go. And it was just one more thing to go...the visa..and it's being REFUSED...:(((

Still want to go...still praying that miracle will happen...

Untitled

Times really flies..there are ups and downs
Been very busy these days. Many thoughts but can't express it in a writing. I prefer to doodle on a piece of paper and throw it away.